


Heart's a Mess

by LittleMissSunshine



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Crying, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Free! Kink Meme, Gen, Insomnia, Poor baby stresses himself out so much :(, Rin is an emotional little stress ball, Seijuurou would be a good big brother, Self Confidence Issues, Swimming Drama, how the hell did this get so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-17 09:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissSunshine/pseuds/LittleMissSunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written from the following Free! kink meme prompt:<br/>Rin thinks he comes across as cool and collected but Seijuurou isn't blind. He clues in pretty fast when a member of his team is Not Okay and from the start Rin's rough emotional state and his tendency to push himself over the edge in training have been the two worst kept secrets in Samezuka. So he keeps an eye out for Rin, asks how he is and checks in with Nitori to ask how he's really doing. Seijuurou makes it clear that he's available to talk, draws Rin into group settings when he seems to be isolating himself and keeps his insomniac workouts in check.</p><p>In short, I want to see Sei trying to help Rin and meeting with at least some success.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Your heart's a mess  
> You won't admit to it  
> It makes no sense, but I'm desperate to connect  
> You…  
> You can't live like this."  
> \--Gotye, _Hearts a Mess_
> 
> Rated Teen for mature themes (brief mentions of eating disorders and self-harming/suicide in later chapters)  
> Also, Rin swears a lot. :P

Rin's Regionals high lasted for about two weeks. He was relaxed, happy…personable, even. His swimming was better than ever before. He'd started treating Nitori like a friend, instead of like an annoying, over-eager puppy that wouldn't leave him alone. He wasn't snapping at people, wasn't brooding in dark corners with that angst-ridden look on his face. In fact, the storminess in his expression was almost completely gone. For the first time in months, Seijuurou saw him smile.

Then, something happened. The high lost its momentum, and Rin came crashing back to Earth, as brooding and serious as ever.

Seijuurou first realized that there was something amiss when he caught Rin in a locker-room spat with one of his teammates, a quiet second-year named Himura. He couldn't hear the words over the general buzz, but Rin looked furious, like he was hissing something horrible at the poor boy. Himura, on the other hand, looked cowed by Rin's vicious insults, despite the fact that his tall, lean build gave him a distinct statural advantage over Rin. The red-haired boy slammed his locker shut and stalked out before Seijuurou could intervene, but the captain carefully approached Himura as the younger boy moved to pack up his things.

"You and Matsuoka getting into something?," he asked casually. Himura startled at the sound of the captain's voice.

"Oh, uh…no, not really," he replied. "He just got a bit…well, you know how he is."

Seijuurou chuckled. "Why, what'd you do?"

"Nothing," Himura replied with a shrug. "I just bumped him a little with my elbow, that's all."

"Oh." Seijuurou's brow furrowed slightly, but he made no further comment.

"I'm sure he's just having a bad day," Himura murmured as he took a pair of wire-rimmed glasses from his locker and put them on his face. "No harm done." He gave Seijuurou a farewell smile before taking his leave.

\-------

Rin's "bad day" seemed to extend into the next day, and the next. He'd gone back into his old emotional stew: exhausted irritability, with subtle hints of misery mixed in. Everything he said came out in a growl, and he began avoiding everyone on the team, even more so than usual. His swimming started to suffer, too: slowly but surely, his times began to slip. The captain wasn't surprised: Rin's performance had always been closely linked to his emotional state. If there was anything to be learned from the whole Iwatobi debacle, it was that. Rin needed to feel good, both emotionally and physically, before he could swim his best. Clearly, Rin's emotions were beginning to take a nosedive again, and Seijuurou had to find out why. Not only because Rin's performance was sure to suffer, but simply because he cared, as a captain and a friend. Rin wasn't a bad guy, deep down, and as frustrating as the red-haired boy could be, Seijuurou still thought of him as someone he cared about, and someone he wanted to watch over. If asked, the captain might have put it this way: "He's a pain in the ass, but he's _my_ pain in the ass."

He decided to keep a closer eye on Rin, going into the next week. He wasn't quite sure why, but it made him uneasy, seeing the red-haired boy like this again. Anyone else might have dismissed it as simple moody spell, but the captain had a strong feeling that it could easily turn into something worse, if left alone.

\-------

"Captain?" A third-year named Watanabe approached him one afternoon, just before he left the locker rooms. Watanabe's close-cropped black hair was still glistening from his post-practice shower.

"Yeah?"

"…I think you should check out the bathrooms," he said in a discreet murmur. "I heard someone crying in the stall next to mine. It sounded like Matsuoka."

"Hm. I'll go check it out."

Watanabe still looked concerned. "Is he…there's nothing going on with him, is there?," he asked quietly. "He's seemed a little…unstable, this past week."

"Not that I know of," the captain replied. "But don't worry, I'll check on him." He went back through the shower room and into the row of bathroom stalls. Just as he was coming in, Rin was leaving the stall on the end. His eyes were red, and he looked absolutely miserable.

"Hey, Matsuoka," Seijuurou greeted him gently. "You ok?"

"Fine," Rin muttered, his voice raspy. He brushed past the captain without another word. Seijuurou turned to follow him, but the red-haired boy was already stalking away, making it clear that he didn't want to be followed. He was probably hoping that if he walked fast enough, no one would notice that he was a teary-eyed mess. Unfortunately for him, it didn't exactly work that way.

"Captain…did you see Matsuoka-senpai in there?" A first-year named Ueno approached him with a concerned look in his golden eyes. "He looked really upset," the sandy-haired boy murmured. "Real tired, too. Did you know that he fell asleep in the showers yesterday? I looked over, and he was just leaning against the wall, fast asleep."

"Hm."

"Is he all right?," the younger boy asked. "Like…I just notice this look in his eye sometimes, when he's walking around on the pool deck. You know? His swimming is still ok, but he looks like a zombie whenever he's out of the water." Suddenly, he seemed to realize that he might be saying too much. "I don't mean to be disrespectful," he added quickly. "I'm just…kinda worried, is all." He looked up at Seijuurou with doleful golden eyes. "I remember what happened last time, when he started looking like that."

"I'm sure he's ok," Seijuurou reassured him. "But trust me, I'm looking into it." Even as he said it, he felt a pang of worry. Ueno, in his ever observant way, had hit the nail on the head; he'd finally put a name to the vague concerns that had been percolating in Seijuurou's mind all week. Rin _did_ have the same look in his eyes, the same exact look he'd had before he'd tried to work himself into the ground. After seeing his old team at Prefecturals, Rin had gone into something of a downward spiral. With each practice after that relay, he'd looked more tormented, more haggard, and more pissed off; as Seijuurou found out later, the red-haired boy had been caught up in a vicious cycle of insomnia, self-loathing, and torturous midnight workouts. Finally, this cycle had culminated in a very dramatic fashion: exhausted and dehydrated, Rin had passed out on the pool deck, after completing a marathon overnight practice session with no sleep, and almost no breaks. They'd ended up having to put him in the hospital for a day, to get his fluids back to normal. Seijuurou wanted to avoid any more situations like that, if at all possible, and if it was starting again…Seijuurou knew that he needed to nip it in the bud, and fast.

Maybe it was time to get a little more involved.

He approached the red-haired boy at the end of their next practice session. "Hey, Matsuoka," he said conversationally. "How's it going? You doing ok these days?"

Rin gave him a strange look. "I'm…fine…"

"Been working on your fly more lately?"

"…Yeah…?"

"Good," Seijuurou said. "I want you in good shape for our next tournament."

"I'm working on it," Rin replied. Suddenly, he seemed slightly on edge. "I know my times have been a little off this week, but I'm getting it together. You don't have to worry." With that, he breezed away, leaving a mildly puzzled Seijuurou behind. _I didn't say anything about his times being off_ , he thought to himself. _I mean, they haven't been_ great, _but they haven't been_ bad. Something about the way Rin had reacted to his innocuous little statement seemed a bit off. The captain thought about it for a moment longer, but he quickly got distracted by a locker room dispute, and the brief conversation was pushed out of his mind.

In the middle of practice the next day, Rin slipped away to the locker rooms. Seijuurou caught him leaving out of the corner of his eye. Just when the captain was about to go look for him, he came back, looking slightly worse for wear. He looked queasy, almost, like he wasn't quite well. Still, he got back into his lane and started swimming laps again.

When everyone started heading for the showers, Seijuurou casually fell in at Rin's side. "How's it going, Matsuoka?," he asked, clapping the red-haired boy on the shoulder. "You doing all right?"

"I'm fine," Rin muttered, sounding annoyed but tired. "Why?"

"Well, I just noticed that you slipped out of practice for a while. I wanted to make sure you were feeling ok."

"I'm _fine_ ," the red-haired boy repeated. "I had to pee, is that a crime?"

"You had to pee for fifteen minutes?"

Rin sighed in exasperation.

"You know, if you're not feeling well, you _can_ take a day off," the captain said. "I'm not going to force you to swim sick."

"I'm _not_ sick."

"Ok, fine. Sorry I asked."

Rin sighed. "You know, I don't see you pulling anyone else aside and asking _them_ if they're ok every five seconds," he grumbled. "Why do you keep asking me?"

"I'm just checking in," Seijuurou said lightly. "I keep tabs on everyone, no need to get pissy. I like to make sure everyone on the team's doing ok, that there aren't any problems I should know about."

"Well, there aren't," Rin muttered. "I get why you'd want to check on the first-years, but you don't have to treat me like some kid."

Seijuurou begged to differ, but he knew better than to say so out loud. "I check on everyone," he repeated quietly. He knew that if Rin felt like he was being singled out, he'd never open up. "First-years, second-years, third-years. No exceptions. If anyone on the team wants to talk to me about anything, I'm here to listen. That's part of my job, and I take it seriously."

Rin sighed. "Fine," he muttered. "Sorry." He walked away, leaving Seijuurou to wonder about him again. The red-haired boy's defensiveness seemed to confirm the captain's hunch, that there was something else going on. Something was clearly amiss, but once again, he was at a loss as to what it might be. Was Rin actually sick and just trying to be macho about it, out of pride? Was he working out too much after practice and wearing himself out? Was there something keeping him up at night? Was he having issues with schoolwork? Family issues? Mental health issues? Iwatobi issues (again)? The list of possibilities was nearly endless, with him. Seijuurou had to find a way to narrow it down, or he'd never get the red-haired boy to talk.

\-------

Rin may have been working hard on his butterfly, but his times certainly didn't reflect it: in fact, they only seemed to be getting worse. Every single time he posted in the following week was substantially slower than his personal best. Seijuurou knew by now that there had to be something going on, but given the utter lack of success he'd had with his previous attempts, he'd decided to take a more indirect approach this time. Luckily for him, he knew a certain first-year boy who'd definitely have some sort of insight into Rin's erratic behavior. This boy was the only one, aside from Rin, who'd know exactly what went on behind closed doors.

"Nitori."

The grey-haired boy turned at the sound of the captain's voice. "Yes, Captain?"

"I need to speak with you privately." Without further explanation, Seijuurou turned and walked away, assuming that Nitori would follow. Of course, he did.

The captain went into the coach's office, and Nitori trailed in after him: the younger boy got a little nervous, when Seijuurou shut the door. _It must be something really serious_ , he thought. Immediately, he began racking his brain, trying to figure out what he might have done wrong. He _had_ been a little off in practice these past few days, but not horribly so. And it wasn't exactly his own fault, anyway…

"Nitori." Seijuurou interrupted his train of thought. "I need to ask you something."

Nitori turned his full attention to the captain. "Sure, Captain. Anything."

"…You and Matsuoka are roommates, aren't you?"

Nitori nodded, unsure of where this was going.

"…How's he been doing, lately?"

It took Nitori a moment to answer: he still wasn't sure what the captain was trying to get at, and he didn't want to accidentally say anything that would have bad consequences for Rin. "Um, he's…ok…"

Seijuurou gave him a stern look. "Nitori, I want the truth," he said. "I'm not blind. There's something going on again, isn't there?"

Nitori looked down, feeling awkward. He wanted to tell the captain, but he knew that Rin would be furious if he found out.

"He'll never know you said anything," the captain said, as though reading Nitori's mind. "I just want to figure out what's going on, so I can help. I know you want to help him, too."

The younger boy hesitated a bit more, but he finally let the truth come out. "He hasn't been sleeping," he murmured softly. "Sometimes, he goes out to the pool to practice, but sometimes, he just stays up listening to music through his headphones. I know, because I can always hear it, he turns it up so loud. He keeps me up sometimes: that's why I've been a little slow in practice lately. I'm just tired. I can't even _imagine_ how exhausted _he_ must be. I don't know how he does it: if I slept as little as he does, I don't think I'd be able to get up and walk to class."

Seijuurou's stern eyes softened a little as he listened. "Anything else seem…off?," he asked quietly.

"He was crying again last night," Nitori murmured. His eyes teared up a little, just thinking of the emotional pain his senpai had been in. "I wanted to go down there and give him a hug, but he always gets really mad when I try to do that, so I didn't. He was really bad last night, though." He looked into Seijuurou's eyes. "I don't know what to do," he said in soft desperation. "He's just so…sad, and I don't know how to help him. He never tells me why, he won't open up to me."

Seijuurou nodded, looking vaguely troubled. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll figure something out." He looked seriously at Nitori. "From now on, I need you to tell me, if things like that are going on," he said. "Ok? Just…keep me in the loop."

Nitori nodded. "I will," he said. _Anything to help him._

\--------

Seijuurou winced, when Rin slammed his locker shut with enough force to break the door off its hinges. The loud bang echoed through the locker room in a way that couldn't be ignored. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nitori flinch. The other swimmers, of course, had taken notice, too. Rin stalked off in a stormy rage, brushing past the captain before anyone had time to stop him.

"What's with Matsuoka?," one of the senior swimmers asked. "He seemed a little off in practice today. He's been off a lot, lately."

"He practically tore my head off when I asked him to pass me a towel," another added.

"Yeah, and he threw a water bottle at me the other day." Everyone seemed to have noticed Rin's vicious mood. "Something's not right with him."

Instinctively, the entire team looked to Seijuurou for answers.

"Don't worry about it," the captain said calmly. He kept putting his things into his locker, covering up all the worry he felt. "I'll handle it." The rest of the team seemed to accept this; they went back to changing and putting their things away. But Seijuurou's worry kept growing. That outburst had been a pretty obvious sign of trouble: usually, the younger boy at least made an attempt to keep his emotions under control. He wasn't very good at it, but one could tell that he was at least trying. This time…he'd been so angry and emotional that he hadn't even cared enough to try.

The captain finished packing up as quickly as he could and left the locker room, heading in the direction of the dorms. He got about halfway there before he heard a few muffled sobs coming from a door to his left. It was the door to the emergency stairs. He paused for a moment and exhaled softly before pushing the door open. There was Rin, curled into the space under the stairs, sobbing violently into his knees with complete and utter abandon. His entire body shook with every sob, his chest heaving in and stuttering out with every choking gasp. Seijuurou froze for a moment, his heart seized. He'd heard from Nitori, that Rin's crying could get bad, but he'd never actually witnessed it himself. Now he understood, why Rin's late night crying spells disturbed the younger boy so much. It was awful to watch this handsome, gifted swimmer sob so violently over something that no one could name.

He carefully crawled into the space beside Rin. The red-haired boy hadn't even noticed him come in.

"Matsuoka," he murmured softly. He laid a gentle hand on Rin's shoulder, and Rin's head immediately jerked up. It took him a moment, to register Seijuurou's face.

"Why are you here?," he snapped. Tears were still falling from his eyes. "Why are you _here?_ ," he demanded more sharply.

Seijuurou's eyes softened. "Because you nearly broke your locker after practice today," he said quietly.

"I'll pay for it, then," Rin spat, trying to wipe his eyes. "Whatever. You couldn't have waited to fucking tell me that?"

"No, Matsuoka…" The captain paused. "…I just thought you seemed more troubled than usual," he explained quietly. "And I wanted to see what was going on with you."

"Why?" Rin didn't understand. "It's not affecting anything."

Seijuurou was torn between laughing and crying. "Matsuoka, your times have been awful this week," he said with a sad chuckle. "You're tearing everyone's heads off over the tiniest things. Everyone on the team's noticed that something's off with you. You're seriously going to sit here and tell me that whatever this is, it's not affecting anything?"

Rin looked away, glaring miserably at the ground. "I've got it under control," he muttered.

"No, you don't," Seijuurou replied. "And I'm here, if you want to talk about whatever it is."

"I'll fix my times," Rin muttered, not paying attention. "Ok? I'll get it done."

"Matsuoka, that's not-"

"What do you want from me, then?," he spat, more tears coming to his eyes. "Just…I'll fix it, ok?" He left the space beneath the stairs and stalked out of the stairwell, closing the door behind him with a bang. Seijuurou stared after him for a moment before crawling out from under the stairwell himself. Part of him wanted to follow Rin, but he knew that what the red-haired boy really needed was some time alone, to calm down. In this state, he wouldn't be receptive to anything Seijuurou had to say.

The captain thought about Rin the whole way back to his dorm room. There had to be something he could do. That image, of Rin crying under the stairs, had been burned into his brain forever. He hated that anything could ever make the red-haired boy feel so…alone. Because he wasn't alone. He had the whole team behind him, ready to support him, if only he'd let them help.

\--------

It was obvious that Rin hadn't slept at all, after that crying episode in the stairwell. He had bags under his eyes the next day, and he looked completely exhausted. Still, he pulled on his swim cap and dove into the pool like there was nothing wrong. Seijuurou watched the clock out of the corner of his eye while Rin swam laps. These were nowhere near the times that Rin was capable of doing. Rin seemed to notice this, too: the captain could see his face getting stormier and stormier with each slow run. He was obviously frustrated with himself, and finally, Seijuurou couldn't watch anymore.

When Rin reached the end of another lap, Seijuurou went over and quietly called him out of the water. Dripping wet and panting, Rin leapt from the pool: he actually swayed a little for a moment as he stood, as though the effort had made him light-headed.

"What?," he sighed. There were so many undercurrents of meaning, trapped in that simple word. _God, please don't try and talk about what you saw yesterday_ , was the most prominent one. But there was also, _You don't need to yell at me about my times, I know that they suck_. Beneath that, _I'm trying my best, but I'm completely exhausted right now, and I really just can't do this today. I swear I'll make up for it later…just please, don't kick me off the team_. Finally, the simplest one of all: _Please, just…don't_. The captain could see them all in Rin's eyes, and hear them all in his voice. The poor guy was so easy to read.

"You're done for today," the captain said quietly.

An anger began to burn in Rin's eyes. "Why," he said flatly. His hands were slowly curling into fists.

"I'm giving you a break," Seijuurou replied. "Take a rest for today."

"I don't need one," Rin said, his teeth clenched. "Our tournament's coming up, I need to practice."

"You've obviously been doing plenty of that when the rest of us aren't here," Seijuurou replied. "I'm ordering you to take a break. Go get changed, and get out of here. Go take a nap or something."

Rin's eyes narrowed. The captain could see what he was thinking: _you really think I'm that weak? Am I that pathetic-looking right now?_ He looked so angry and frustrated, but he didn't say anything. He simply turned and walked away toward the locker rooms.

After practice, the captain called Nitori aside again. "If you catch Matsuoka going out the pool tonight…I need you to come get me," he said quietly. "Ok? Just let him go, but come to my room and get me as soon as he leaves."

Nitori looked uncertain. "You want me to wake you up?"

Seijuurou nodded. "Just keep knocking until I come out."

\--------

As anticipated, there were three timid raps on Seijuurou's door that night, right around one in the morning. When the captain opened the door, Nitori was there, looking timid.

"Did I disturb you, captain?," he asked.

Seijuurou shook his head: he hadn't been sleeping, either, but even if he had been, he would have wanted the younger boy to wake him. "Did he go down there?," he asked.

Nitori nodded, and a few tears glimmered in his eyes. "He was so frustrated today," he whimpered. "He threw a bunch of stuff around. He seemed to feel bad about it afterward, but then he went off to the pool."

Seijuurou nodded and gave Nitori's shoulder a gentle pat. Having Rin as a roommate was obviously putting him through a great deal of emotional stress.

"It's ok," he said calmly. "I'm going to go talk to him. Go on and go back to sleep." Nitori nodded and headed back to his room. Seijuurou grabbed his room key and immediately left for the pool.

When he got there, Rin wasn't in the water yet. He seemed to be getting ready, saying something to himself before he dove in.

"Did you nap today?," Seijuurou called as he approached. Rin seemed startled, to see the captain there.

"What are you doing down here?," he muttered.

"Answer me, Matsuoka," the captain replied. His tone was calm, but firm. "Did you sleep at all today?"

Rin looked away before muttering an indistinct 'no.'

"Then get your ass back to your room."

"Why are you doing this?," Rin snapped, tearing his swim cap off in frustration. "I'm just trying to get better. You should be happy."

"I'd be happier if you slept," Seijuurou replied as Rin started to stalk away again. "Hey." He grabbed Rin's arm, and the younger boy glared at him. "I'm serious," he said. "You need to sleep. You can't just keep going and going like this, for days on end."

"Don't you think I'd be _sleeping_ , if I could sleep?," Rin snarled, his voice echoing through the empty space as he jerked away. "Do you think this is what I _want_ to be doing at one AM?"

He stood there, seething, waiting for an answer.

"Why can't you sleep?," Seijuurou asked calmly.

"I just _can't_ ," Rin snapped. "So I'm trying to be _productive_ , instead of sitting up there on my ass and thinking about-" He abruptly cut himself off. "I just needed to get out of that stupid, fucking room," he spat under his breath. "Ok?"

Seijuurou let a moment of silence pass before he reached out again. "Why don't you come up to my room?," he offered quietly. "Instead of killing yourself down here?"

Rin glared sideways at him for a moment before gradually lowering his gaze. "Fine," he muttered bitterly. "Whatever." Seijuurou let him go back to the locker rooms to change, but when he didn't come out for twenty minutes, the captain began to worry. He decided that he'd better go check on the red-haired boy.

"Matsuoka?," he called as he entered the locker room. "You ok in here?" He glanced down every row of lockers that he passed, but Rin seemed to have disappeared. Finally, though, Seijuurou found him: he was curled up in the furthest corner of the locker room, asleep. There were a few tear marks still drying on his cheeks, but his breathing was soft, and his eyes were closed. Seijuurou quietly took a seat on the bench nearby. He almost didn't want to wake the poor guy up. Finally, though, he reached out and gently touched Rin's arm.

"Matsuoka," he murmured. "Hey, wake up." Rin's eyes slowly blinked open: he seemed utterly confused, and very groggy. He looked up, and couldn't seem to comprehend Seijuurou's face. "You fell asleep on the locker room floor," the captain said with an amused little smile. "A bed would be more comfortable, don't you think?"

Rin groaned quietly and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Don't…patronize me," he muttered sleepily.

"Come on," Seijuurou said, standing up. "Let's go." Rin ignored the hand that the captain was offering, using the bench to pull himself up instead. The two boys left the locker room side by side. Seijuurou watched Rin out of the corner of his eye: Rin's little nap seemed to have made him even more exhausted, if such a thing were possible. As they walked up the stairs, the red-haired boy began to stumble a little bit. Seijuurou reached out and laid a gentle hand on his back, to guide him and keep him from falling over. Rin was too tired to push the older boy away.

When Seijuurou finally opened the door to Rin's room, he saw the vague outline of Nitori, laying on the top bunk and sleeping soundly. Rin wandered over to the bottom bunk and flopped down onto it, ignoring everything else. Seijuurou watched him for a minute, but he didn't get up. Satisfied that Rin would finally be sleeping, the captain quietly closed the door and went back to his own room.


	2. Chapter 2

Rin seemed a lot less tense, the next day at practice. He was swimming a little better, too. In fact, the red-haired boy seemed to have burned all his anger out: he wasn't snapping at people, wasn't slamming locker doors. He was actually being pretty civil, especially for him. He couldn't seem to look Seijuurou in the eye, though. In fact, he avoided the captain, and pretty much everyone else, as much as possible.

Seijuurou pulled Nitori aside after practice, for updates. "He's been sleeping ok, I think," Nitori told him at the end of the week. "He's been a lot better, actually. He's been pretty quiet."

This was meant to be reassuring, but for some reason, it made Seijuurou uneasy. "Quiet like how?," he asked.

Nitori shrugged. "I don't know. Just…quiet."

"Hm."

The following evening, the captain knocked on Rin and Nitori's door. Nitori answered.

"Oh! Hello, Captain," the younger boy said in surprise. "What's going on?" He noticed that Seijuurou was dressed to go out, already wearing his shoes and a swim jacket.

"I was just on my way out for some coffee," the captain replied. "Thought I'd see if you and Matsuoka wanted to come along."

"Pass." The flat voice came from Rin's bunk, but the red-haired boy wasn't visible from the doorway.

Nitori moved a little closer to Seijuurou and lowered his voice. "Matsuoka-senpai isn't feeling very well, I don't think," he murmured. "He's barely gotten out of bed today."

"Matsuoka! You sick?," Seijuurou called over Nitori's head.

"No," came the muffled response. "Just go away." Nitori and the captain looked at each other: the younger boy looked anxious, but Seijuurou quickly reassured him with his gaze. He gave Nitori a little nod before stepping further into the room.

"Come on, Matsuoka," he said. Rin was lying on his side, facing the wall with his arm stretched out beneath his head.

"Go away," he muttered.

"Aw, come on," Seijuurou said, reaching out to muss Rin's hair playfully. "It'll be fun. They've just started making those hazelnut spice lattes again. You can get decaf."

"Don't touch me," Rin growled, swatting him away. "Just leave me alone."

The captain sighed: he knew when enough was enough. "Ok," he said. "But you're gonna regret it."

"Fine, I'll regret it, then," Rin grumbled. "I don't care."

"Suit yourself." The captain turned to Nitori, who was still standing near the door. "You'll join me, right, Nitori?"

"Uh, sure," the younger boy said.

As Nitori reached for his coat, Seijuurou made one final attempt with Rin.  "You're sure you don't want to come, Matsuoka?"

Rin didn't even bother to reply. Once Nitori had his swim jacket on, he left the room with the captain, and the two boys headed downstairs.

"Has he been like that the whole week?," Seijuurou asked as they walked down the street.

"Not as bad as that," Nitori said, kicking a rock on the sidewalk. "Yesterday, he did his homework and stuff, at least. Today…I don’t think he's moved or gotten out of bed, except to use the bathroom. He hasn't eaten much today, either. I offered to bring him a sandwich or something at lunchtime, but he said he wasn't hungry. He seems a lot more depressed than usual."

"Does he ever say anything that…might hint at why he's so moody all the time?," Seijuurou asked. "I mean, I wouldn't necessarily expect him to talk about it straight out, but…has he ever said anything to you?"

"He doesn't talk to me when he's upset," Nitori sighed forlornly. "He just lays there like that, or he gets mad and starts breaking things." He paused for a moment. "You know, I think he has nightmares sometimes, though," he went on quietly. "I don't know what they're about, but sometimes he wakes up looking really freaked out. And then, of course, with his dad…I think he still thinks about his dad a lot, even though it was a long time ago."

"His dad?"

Nitori nodded. "He told me about him once. His dad was a fisherman; I guess he died in a typhoon, when senpai was really young. He wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, too." He paused and looked at Seijuurou timidly. "Don't tell him that I told you that, though. I don't think it's something that he tells very many people."

"Hm." Seijuurou pondered this as they went into the little café that they often frequented. It was busier than usual, filled with young couples and groups of friends chatting amiably over coffee. The two boys got into the line forming in front of the register.

"Yeah," Nitori murmured. He looked at Seijuurou for a long moment before gaining the courage to speak his mind. "If I tell you something, will you promise not to say anything?," he asked quietly. When the captain nodded, Nitori cleared his throat before going on. "I've been thinking a lot, about why Matsuoka-senpai is the way he is, and…I think he just feels things a lot more than most people do. He's really sensitive, and he beats himself up a lot over the littlest mistakes. But he doesn't want anyone to know that. He doesn't want anyone to see how badly things get to him." He paused, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words. "…I think he also feels that he shouldn't have to talk to anyone, about anything," he murmured finally. "He wants to be able to handle everything on his own, and he gets mad at himself, when he feels like he can't. It's just my theory, but I think there's something kind of big that he just can't bring himself to talk about with _anyone_ , even though it really hurts him. It just keeps running through his mind, all the time, but he can't let it out. And having to keep it all inside just creates this...stressed-out, lonely feeling inside him, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. That's why his moods are so...all over the place." He looked up at Seijuurou. "Does that make any sense?"

Seijuurou nodded as they reached the counter. "I think I get what you mean." He ordered an iced mocha for himself, a caramel latte for Nitori, and, after a moment of deliberation, a decaf hazelnut spice latte for Rin. Their walk back was mostly silent.

"You don't mind if I hang out in your room for a little, right?," the captain asked as they re-entered the dorm building.

Nitori shrugged. "If you want to," he said. "I don't mind." The captain followed the younger boy to his room, and stood back as Nitori pushed open the door.

"Matsuoka-senpai, we brought you a latte!," the younger boy called with timid optimism. He hadn't had time to notice the little sobs coming from Rin's bunk, but Seijuurou had. The captain laid a hand on Nitori's shoulder before brushing past him to check on Rin. The red-haired boy was still lying with his back to the room: he'd gone silent as soon as he'd heard them in the doorway.

"Matsuoka?," the captain called. Rin sniffled, and Seijuurou knew that he'd been crying again. "Hey," he said a little more gently. "I got this for you." He tapped Rin on the shoulder with the cup. "Come on, I know you like their hazelnut spice lattes." Silently, Rin sat up, cautiously turning to look at Seijuurou. His eyes were red, and there were still tear marks on his cheeks. His hair was a little mussed, sticking out strangely in a number of places.

"Thanks," he said in a hoarse voice. He reached out and took the cup from Seijuurou, cradling it in both hands. "You didn't have to get this."

"Well, I wanted to," the captain replied, happy to see Rin interacting with the environment again. "You feeling better?"

"I'm fine," Rin replied softly as he took a cautious sip.

"Good." The captain decided not to press any further for the moment. "Hey, so Nitori and I were thinking that tomorrow, we might go see that new movie that's playing downtown." This was news to Nitori, but he had enough sense not to say anything. "We were gonna invite some of the other guys on the team, too. You should come with us."

Rin couldn't meet Seijuurou's gaze. "I don't know," he said. "Maybe."

"Great," the captain replied with a smile.

\-------

The next day rolled around, and Seijuurou knocked on Rin and Nitori's door. Nitori answered, already dressed and ready to go. "Hi, Captain," he greeted the older boy with a smile. "Um, I hope you don't mind, but I invited some of the Iwatobi guys to come with us, too. Actually, I invited Nagisa-kun, and he kind of ended up inviting everyone else. I don’t know for sure who else is coming, though."

"More the merrier," Seijuurou replied with a shrug. Now he was sort of wishing that he'd invited a few more third years from the swim team, to balance things out, but it was too late for that. "Where's Matsuoka?"

Nitori's expression darkened. "He's still in bed," he murmured. He kept his voice normal, but his eyes glimmered with worry and sadness. "I don't think he wants to come."

"Oh, no," the captain said. "Uh-uh." He leaned over Nitori's shoulder. "Matsuoka, you can't just stay in here all weekend!," he called. "Don't make me come in there."

The younger boy timidly touched his arm. "Captain, I really wouldn't…" At that moment, something flew at them and hit the wall near Seijuurou's head. Upon closer inspection, the captain realized it was an empty disposable coffee cup.

"Oh, come on, Matsuoka," he said, undeterred. "What are you, five?"

"I'm not going anywhere," came the growl from the bottom bunk. "So you can just fucking forget it."

"What happened to 'maybe?'" The captain came into the room, to see just how bad Rin was. The red-haired boy was lying on his stomach, his face buried in the pillows. He'd wrapped himself up in a soft black blanket cocoon, but his head and shoulders stuck out a bit, so that his arms could rest beneath his top-most pillow. His hair was still mussed from sleep: it was obvious that he hadn't showered or gotten out of bed.

"I don't want to go," he muttered into the pillow.

"Not an option," Seijuurou said. "Come on. Get up."

"No."

"Your Iwatobi friends are coming."

To Seijuurou's surprise, Rin immediately tensed up. "Why did you invite them?," he growled.

"Nitori did, because he wanted to hang out with Nagisa," the captain replied. "I thought you'd be happy about it."

"Why the fuck would I be happy about it?," Rin muttered flatly. "I don't want them to see me like this."

"Like what?"

Finally, Rin's head turned a little, and the captain could see an awful dark circle beneath Rin's blood-shot eye. The red-haired boy was visibly exhausted. He hadn't been nearly this bad the day before: suddenly, he looked as though he'd been up for a week straight. Seijuurou could tell that he'd probably been night-practicing again.

"Would you just leave me alone?," Rin said, a hint of misery in his voice. "I'm just fucking tired, ok? I shouldn't have thrown that cup at you, and I'm sorry, but I just really can't fucking do this with you right now." A little tear beaded on Rin's lashes, and he turned his face back into the pillow.

Seijuurou debated in his head for a moment, the merits of continuing to push Rin. Finally, he sat down on the edge of the bed. "If I leave you here, are you going to sleep?," he asked quietly. "You think you can take a nap?"

"Maybe," Rin murmured. "I _want_ to."

"Then you don't have to come with us," the captain replied gently. "Ok? But you have to sleep. No practicing, no going out to run."

"Fine," Rin said.

"I'm gonna come back here and check on you when we get back," the captain said, standing up. "And I'm turning off these lights, so you can sleep better."

"Quit babying me and just go," Rin muttered. Finally, Seijuurou obliged, taking leave of the room with Nitori at his side.

"He didn't sleep at all last night," the younger boy said quietly. "That coffee was decaf, wasn't it?"

Seijuurou nodded. "I know I didn't get him regular."

Nitori looked troubled. "After you left, he went out in his work-out gear," he said quietly. "He didn't come back until about five in the morning: I know, because he woke me up when he came back. I think he went swimming. His hair looked wet."

Seijuurou sighed. "Why does he keep doing that?," he murmured, half to himself. "He's working himself to death."

"He gets so restless, sometimes," Nitori said. "Like last night, he just kept pacing around the room in a big circle. Just endless loops, for like fifteen minutes, before he decided to go out. Sometimes, it makes _me_ anxious, just watching him. I don't know what makes him do that, though. I'm always kind of afraid to ask."

"Hm." Seijuurou pondered this a little more, but he didn't reach any significant conclusion by the time they met up with the other boys. Himura and Ueno were waiting outside the dorm, along with Seijuurou's closest friend on the team, a third-year named Nakamura. Nakamura was even taller than Seijuurou, with emerald eyes and jet black hair. He greeted Seijuurou with a friendly slap on the back, and the captain returned it with a grin.

"Hey, where's Matsuoka?," the black-haired boy asked. "Thought he was coming."

"He wasn't feeling well," Seijuurou covered quietly. "I told him to stay here and take it easy."

"Oh, that sucks," Nakamura replied. "Hopefully it's nothing too bad."

"Is he all right?," Ueno asked.

"He's fine," Seijuurou said. "He's just taking a nap."

At that moment, Nagisa, Rei, and Makoto appeared from around the corner. When Nagisa spotted Nitori, he waved eagerly and bounded over. "Ai-chan!," he cried happily. He tackled Nitori with an overly enthusiastic hug, and the grey-haired boy laughed a little. Introductions were made for Ueno, who'd never had much contact with the Iwatobi boys, and Nakamura held out his hand for Makoto to shake. Rei and Himura immediately struck up a conversation, quietly discussing their academic pursuits; they were both quite smart, and had much in common despite their one-year difference in age. During one of their joint practices, Rei had noticed Himura scrawling equations in a notebook; he'd asked about them, and they'd quickly formed a bond. Both boys felt a little out of place among their peers, but they greatly enjoyed talking to one another.

"I thought Rin was going to be here," Makoto said, addressing Seijuurou and Nakamura. "Is he feeling all right?"

"Actually, he's a bit under the weather," Seijuurou replied calmly. "I thought it would be better if he stayed in today."

"Oh, that's too bad," Makoto said, his eyes growing concerned. "It's nothing serious, is it?"

Seijuurou shook his head. "It'll pass in a day or two."

"Aw, poor Rin-chan," Nagisa said sadly. "Maybe we should stay here, and make him some soup or something."

"Er, he's resting, Nagisa-kun," Nitori said quickly. "We shouldn't disturb him."

"Yeah, we should actually get going," Seijuurou said to back him up. "The movie starts in fifteen." The others agreed, and they began their trek to the movie theater. Makoto, Nakamura, and Seijuurou chatted amiably about swimming, while Rei and Himura remained lost in their own little world. Nagisa, Ueno, and Nitori brought up the rear, with Nagisa chattering on about anything and everything that popped into his mind.

After the movie, Seijuurou checked his phone and saw that he'd gotten a text from Rin: _you guys still out?_   He pondered this for a moment before texting back: _yeah, why?_

_Where are you?_

The captain considered Rin's words for another minute before making an announcement out loud. "Any of you guys hungry?," he asked. "I'm thinking that cheap noodle place down the street."

"Sure!," Nagisa replied eagerly. "I'm starved."

"You're always starved," Makoto replied with a laugh. "But yeah, that sounds good." When a general murmur of agreement rose from the group, Seijuurou texted Rin back.

_Going for noodles. Want 2 come?_

He didn't get a reply until they'd almost reached the restaurant. He could almost hear the reluctance behind Rin's text: _yeah, be there in 10._

"Looks like Matsuoka's feeling a little bit better already," he said as he put his phone away. "He says he wants to come join us." Nitori looked surprised, but everyone else looked happy. They were just sitting down at a large booth to order when Rin arrived, wearing his track pants and a black tank top. Seijuurou could tell that he'd slept a little since they'd seen each other last.

"Rin-chan!," Nagisa greeted him, pushing out from between Ueno and Rei to give the red-haired boy a warm hug. Rin looked surprised and slightly annoyed, but all he said was a subdued 'hey.' A chorus of warm greetings followed.

"Feeling better?," Nakamura asked as Nagisa took a seat again. "Cap told us you weren't feeling so hot."

Rin nodded quietly as he sat down on the end, next to Seijuurou.

"Where's Haru?," he murmured.

"Oh, Haru couldn't make it," Makoto replied. "His parents finally came to visit him this weekend, so he's spending time with them."

"Oh." Rin looked a little saddened by this news. When the waitress came by again, he quietly ordered a small bowl of noodles. His entire personality seemed more subdued than usual. Seijuurou tried to engage him in the conversation, and Makoto made a few attempts of his own, but the red-haired boy simply wasn't in the mood to talk. He barely said a word, answering direct questions with only a 'yes' or a 'no.' Still, he really did seem to want to be there. It was a little odd, but Seijuurou decided to let him be. He was out of his room, for something other than swim practice: that was all that really mattered.

The captain, Nakamura, and Makoto chatted about classes until the food arrived: then, a general hush fell over the table as everyone dug in. Makoto finally managed to get Rin to engage, telling a funny story about something that Haru had done at swim practice. "He would," the red-haired boy said with a little smirk on his face. The topic soon turned to embarrassing things that people had done in the locker rooms, with Nagisa spilling details on the entire Iwatobi team (much to the embarrassment of Makoto and Rei). Makoto tried to get back at the blonde boy with a story of his own, but Nagisa didn't embarrass as easily as he'd hoped. Ueno began chiming in, too, giving an amusing blow-by-blow of Nitori's infamous slipping incident. Nitori had been running to get something from his locker, but he'd slipped on the wet floor: somehow, he'd ended up skidding all the way down the row, and running into the wall of lockers at the end with a loud bang. The way Ueno told it, the funniest part was how confused Nitori had looked, when he suddenly found himself lying on the floor. By the end of the story, everyone was laughing, Nitori included. Even Rin was chuckling to himself. Seijuurou noticed a light in Rin's eyes, one that had been missing for quite some time.

Eventually, they all said their goodbyes, and the Samezuka boys walked back to the dorms together. Rin, Nitori, and Seijuurou parted with the others near the front entrance, smiling and saying they'd see each other soon. "Glad you made it out, Matsuoka," Nakamura said by way of parting. He patted the younger boy on the shoulder, and Rin gave him a nod in reply before following Seijuurou and Nitori into the building.

"That was fun," Nitori said with a smile. "Wasn't it, senpai?" Rin nodded quietly.

"You take a nap?," Seijuurou asked. As expected, Rin nodded again. "Well, I'm glad you came to join us afterward," he said. "It was good, having you out with us. It seems like you haven't been out with us in a while."

"Yeah, well," Rin muttered. "I got tired of sitting in the room."

Seijuurou sighed with a chuckle. "Always so charming," he said sarcastically. "No wonder we missed you."

"Hey!," Rin protested sourly.

"He's kidding, senpai," Nitori said, hugging Rin's arm with a little smile. "Of course we like having you around."

\-------

Rin's mood was a little better for a few days after that, but soon, his insomnia began to get the better of him again. It was clear that his sleeping problem was getting worse and worse. The captain didn't even _need_ to ask if he'd been practicing at night anymore: it was plain as day, written in the bags under his eyes and the exhaustion on his face. He began losing his temper over the stupidest things, growling at anyone who so much as looked at him the wrong way. Even Nitori was a little scared to go near him, and Seijuurou had heard him give the poor boy a tongue-lashing more than once. It was getting to a point where Seijuurou felt the need to start checking on _Nitori's_ well-being, too. He was afraid that it was only a matter of time before Rin went off on someone, and Nitori seemed like a probable target, given his constant proximity to the red-haired boy.

In the end, though, it wasn't Nitori who set Rin off. Seijuurou heard a commotion near the locker rooms one day after practice: he went over to check it out, and as he approached, he saw Rin, holding a first-year named Sato up against the wall. Sato was one of the smaller boys on the team; he was fiery, and fast as hell in freestyle, but he was still a good seven inches shorter than Rin. The red-haired boy had a dangerous look in his eye, and he was growling something vicious at the poor kid. Suddenly, he hauled off and punched the younger boy in the face. Seijuurou immediately hurried over.

"Matsuoka, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

Rin didn't appear to have heard: he was still ranting something at Sato, socking him again. "You little fuck, I'll fucking show you-" He only stopped when he felt the captain's stern hand, clapping him roughly on the shoulder. When he turned his head to look at Seijuurou, there were furious tears in his eyes. Sato had blood streaming from his nose, and he looked terrified.

"Matsuoka, you back the fuck off, _now_ ," Seijuurou barked, yanking Rin away. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Fucking asshole was talking shit about me," Rin growled, still glaring daggers at Sato. "You think you can get away with calling me an ass, you stupid little prick?"

"That's not even what I said!," Sato whimpered, dabbing the blood on his face with two horrified fingers. "I swear, senpai, I'd never-"

"I know what I heard, you little fucker," Rin snarled. He lunged at Sato again, but Seijuurou caught him by the collar of his swim jacket.

"Ok, time out," the captain said, yanking him harshly toward a separate corner of the room. "This is not going any farther. You sit down over here and you cool the fuck off." He pushed him toward a bench and went back over to comfort Sato, who was now in tears.

"I swear, Captain, I never said anything about him," the younger boy said miserably. His nose was still gushing blood. "I was just talking to Takahashi, about something for our quiz tomorrow…next thing I know, Matsuoka-senpai's yelling at me."

"It's true, Captain," Takahashi chimed in, coming forward to defend his friend. "He was just asking me what we needed to know for class tomorrow, and he asked if he could borrow my notes for a bit. Matsuoka-senpai must have misheard."

Seijuurou sighed. "All right, go change, Takahashi," he said tiredly. "Come on, Sato, let's clean you up." He draped his arm over the trembling first-year's shoulders and took him into the bathroom. He wet a paper towel and carefully started wiping the blood from Sato's face.

"I didn't even do anything," Sato said softly, tears falling from his eyes. "I swear, I would never insult Matsuoka-senpai."

"I know you wouldn't," Seijuurou sighed, half to himself. He was trying to figure out what Rin's punishment would be; he was loathe to punish him, knowing what he knew about Rin's emotional issues, but something had to be done. He couldn't let the red-haired boy go around punching innocent first-years without any consequences. Sato's nose was still bleeding a little, so Seijuurou gave him a fresh paper towel to stave it off. "Go to the nurse's office," he said. "Get some ice, ok?"

Sato nodded, still looking like a kicked puppy. Seijuurou gave him a reassuring pat on the back before going out to the pool again. Rin was still sitting on the bench, staring at the ground in fury. The captain marched over to him and slapped him sharply on the back of the head, just hard enough to get the point across.

"Ow!," Rin snapped, wincing as he came out of his angry reverie. "What the hell was _that_ for?"

"What do you _think_ it was for, you fucking idiot?," Seijuurou replied angrily. "What do you think you're doing, beating up a first-year?"

"He started it," Rin muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

"He did not start anything," Seijuurou replied. "And even if he had, it would've been your responsibility to end it. I mean, my God, Matsuoka…"

"What do you expect me to do?," Rin snapped. "Just let it go?"

"Yes," Seijuurou replied, his voice growing louder. Rin's lack of remorse was rubbing him the wrong way. "I expect you to be the bigger man and let it fucking go. I don't care how tired and pissed off you are, you _cannot_ start hitting people. You're seventeen years old, damn it, you shouldn't be picking fights with kids half your size. It doesn't make you look tough, it makes you look like a bully and an asshole. If you've got a problem with somebody, you come to _me_ and we'll talk it out like mature adults. No more of this stupid vigilante crap. If I ever catch you beating on someone again, you are off the fucking team. You get that? This shit ends _now_."

There were tears in Rin's eyes now; Seijuurou's yelling had obviously been hitting home. "Please don't kick me off the team," he said, his voice breaking quietly. A silent tear rolled down his cheek.

"I don't want to kick you off the team," Seijuurou said, his voice a bit calmer now. He hadn't meant to make Rin cry. He sat down on the bench next to the red-haired boy. "I just…I worry about you, Matsuoka. Getting into fights like this leads down a bad road, one I don't want to see you on. Ok? I don't want to kick you off the team, but if you keep doing shit like this, I'm not going to have a choice. I don't want it to get to that point, but you need to understand that there _is_ a limit. There's only so much I can let go before I have to do something, because you are not the only person on this team. I have to think about everyone else on the team, too."

Rin was staring at the ground miserably, more tears dripping down his face. "I get it," he said quietly. "I'm a fucking dick. Can I go now?"

Seijuurou sighed and patted Rin on the back. "…Yeah," he said softly. "You're done." Rin got up and went back to the locker rooms to change. Seijuurou watched him go and waited a few minutes before heading into the locker room himself. When he did, he heard Rin's miserable voice, just audible over the hiss of the showers.

"Stupid idiot, _fuck_ …" Then, a dull thud. "Why can't I just pull it the _fuck_ -" THUD "-to _ge_ ther?" …Thud. "…Stupid, stupid, _stupid._ " Thud, thud. Each insult sounded more distraught and more pissed off than the last. Finally, Seijuurou realized what Rin was doing: he was hitting the tile walls of the shower. Hard, from the sound of it. Now, as the captain peered around the corner to confirm, Rin was crying, leaning heavily against the wall in frustration. As Seijuurou watched, he slipped down onto the floor and curled into his knees, the water still running over him. The captain could feel Rin's self-loathing from all the way across the room. Suddenly, Rin turned and started punching the wall again, over and over in slow, unrelenting frustration. Seijuurou saw his knuckles starting to bleed.

"Hey, Matsuoka, take it easy," he called gently. "Don't hurt yourself." Ignoring Seijuurou's plea, the red-haired boy punched the wall again in misery. Finally, when it was apparent that he wouldn't stop on his own, Seijuurou went into the showers and gently staid his hands. "Rin, stop," he said. "You're bleeding."

"I don't give a shit," Rin said miserably.

"Yeah, well, I do," Seijuurou said. "Come on, get up off the floor. This is sad."

"I know, I'm pathetic," Rin snapped. "You made that clear already. I'm just a pathetic loser who has to go around acting like an asshole to cover it up. Right?"

Seijuurou sighed. "That's not what I said," he replied. "And I definitely didn't tell you to break your hands on a tile wall. Get up, come on." Rin was still seething with frustration, but he let Seijuurou pull him to his feet. The captain took him over to the sinks, to wash the blood from his knuckles. They looked bad: Seijuurou knew he would have to wrap them up.

"Stay here," he said when he'd rinsed Rin's hands. "I'm going to get you some bandages." He popped into the coach's office and grabbed the first-aid kit, taking it back to the sinks. When he got there, Rin was staring at himself in the mirror like a zombie, looking tired and utterly defeated. Seijuurou carefully took Rin's left hand and started wrapping a bandage around it.

"Why are you doing this?," the red-haired boy asked, his voice hollow. "I deserve what I get, for punching that kid."

"Don't be stupid," Seijuurou replied. "I'm not just going to let you walk out of here bleeding." They were silent for a moment while Seijuurou wrapped Rin's hands.

"You know, I don't even hate Sato," Rin said quietly. "He's not a bad kid. I don't know why I went off on him, of all people.  I…It's like I hit Nitori or something. It's not even fair." Now, there was unusual remorse in his voice, a sick sadness that hadn't been there before.

"You're right, it was a pretty stupid thing to do," Seijuurou said calmly, still focused on Rin's hands. "But it's done now. Nothing you can do about it, except make sure it doesn't happen again."

"I'm such a fucking idiot," Rin murmured to himself. Seijuurou glanced up and saw that there were tears running down Rin's face again.

"No serious harm done," he said, trying to comfort the red-haired boy a little. "He's a little bruised up, but he'll be ok." He'd wanted Rin to feel bad about what he'd done, but not to this extent. He'd gone a little overboard on his speech because he'd thought that Rin needed that, in order for the message to get through. He saw now that he needn't have been so harsh. Rin was being plenty harsh on himself already.

"Rin, is there something else on your mind?," the captain asked quietly. "If you want to talk to me about something, now's a good time."

"Why do you keep asking me that?," Rin said softly. Seijuurou had finished bandaging his hands. He felt the bandages carefully as he spoke, unable to meet Seijuurou's eyes.

 _Because you're obviously falling apart_ , Seijuurou wanted to say. Rin was so clearly being tormented by something…he was practically unraveling in front of Seijuurou's eyes. And Seijuurou wanted to know why. He didn't want to keep standing by while his best swimmer slipped deeper and deeper into some nameless pit of despair. He wanted to reach out, and extend a hand before Rin fell any further, but Rin just wouldn't take his hand. The red-haired boy's demons had such a hold on him, they wouldn't let him go.

"I'm fine," the red-haired boy murmured. "You don't have to keep asking." He turned and walked away, to finish changing. Seijuurou leaned against the sink in quiet frustration. He had to get Rin to talk somehow. If he didn't, the red-haired boy would do something reckless, and then it would be too late.


	3. Chapter 3

The next week, Seijuurou was watching everyone swim their practice laps, and quietly keeping track of their times on his clipboard. It was Samezuka's unofficial qualifying meet for Second-Chance Regionals; no one had ever established this day outright, but everyone knew that Seijuurou would be watching them extra closely, during the last practice session before sign-ups were due. Second-Chance was one last shot at redemption for those who hadn't quite made it through Regionals. Of course, all the swimmers who'd placed at Regionals would be going on to Nationals, but there was still one spot in each Nationals event for a "wild card" swimmer, one who'd competed at a regional tournament but hadn't placed. The Second-Chance tournaments determined who would fill those "wild card" spots. Each school in the region could choose a total of four people to compete at the Second-Chance Regional meet, and each swimmer could compete in one event of their choice. Whoever won first and second place in the Regional event would have the opportunity to compete against other regions' winners for the "wild card" spot in the Nationals event. The captain had an idea, of course, of who he wanted to race for Second-Chance, but this was the last meet before the official sign-ups, and thus, for some, the last chance to impress. At the end of practice, Seijuurou would organize them into heats and have them race each other, to get them fired up and ready for competition. The races were meant to be just for fun, but there was always a strong correlation between the winners of these unofficial races and the people that Seijuurou chose to race at Second-Chance. Swimming well at this practice could mean an unexpected chance for glory, while swimming poorly might mean heartbreak. As one could imagine, this placed a certain amount of stress on everyone. Some people were handling the stress better than others.

Rin came in to practice late, and he looked more than a little shaken up. He seemed utterly preoccupied, like he was barely even there.

"Matsuoka-senpai, did you see my time for the 400m? I might make it after all!"

Rin ignored the younger boy. In his eyes, there was genuine anxiety.

"Senpai, did you hear me? I might be able to go to Second-Chance with you after all!" Nitori was all smiles. "I can't wait!"

"What makes you think I'm going?," Rin muttered, his eyes narrowing in annoyance. "No one knows yet."

"Oh, senpai, of _course_ you're going! It's obvious the captain's going to pick you."

Rin shook his head. "I fucked up at Regionals," he muttered. "Even if I do well today, I don't think he'll want me at Second-Chance."

"No way," Nitori said optimistically. "You're the best, he knows that. He'll definitely put you on the Second-Chance team."

Rin didn't seem so sure. He kept thinking of all the times Seijuurou had pulled him aside, asked him how he was doing. Then there was that incident with Sato…he just hoped to God that he could perform today. If he didn't do his absolute best…

"All right, everyone out of the pool!," Seijuurou shouted. "It's time for the races. Who's swimming 50m free?" Some of the boys began lining up, and Rin took a seat on the bench. Nitori, of course, sat down beside him, but he left a few extra inches of space between them, out of courtesy. Rin spent the whole time staring at the ground; his mind was obviously somewhere else. Nitori had to tap him gently on the shoulder when it came time for his race.

"Senpai, you're racing for the 100m fly, aren't you?"

Rin looked up. "What?"

"The 100m fly?," Nitori said with a kind smile. "That's your Second-Chance event, isn't it?"

"Matsuoka, get over here!," the captain called, verifying Nitori's claim. "You're up." Rin hauled himself off the bench and pulled his swim cap on as he moved over to the end of the lane. He would be switching events for Second-Chance, if he even made it that far: since he had the option, he wanted to shoot for Nationals with his best stroke, the butterfly. He knew that that would give him the highest chance of winning.

Of course, if he wanted any chance of winning at all, he had to perform well _here_ , first.

He lined up to take his mark on the starting block, and when the whistle finally blew, he dove in, swimming harder than the captain had seen him swim in months. It was almost as though he was being chased by something, or fleeing for his life. His stroke was that frantic, and his kicking that desperate.

He came in first, just by a hair. But when he crawled awkwardly out of the pool, Seijuurou could immediately tell that something was wrong. He couldn't seem to stand properly: he was swaying from side to side as he tried to make his way back to the bench. Seijuurou was about to go over and check on his well-being when he missed a step and went tumbling to the floor, his head hitting the concrete with a painful thud. Everyone froze, and Seijuurou hurried over. Rin wasn't getting up.

The captain dropped to his knees beside Nitori, who was already at Rin's side. The grey-haired boy had run forward to catch his senpai, but he'd been a fraction of a second too late. Seijuurou called for a bottle of water, and three water bottles were immediately offered. Seijuurou took one from a first-year and gently splashed a little water on Rin's face. After a moment, the red-haired boy's eyes flickered open.

"Rin, are you all right?," the captain asked. "Can you hear me?" Rin started to pick himself up off the floor, but Seijuurou noticed that his forehead was bleeding a little near the scalp. Up close, Rin's eyes seemed much duller than usual: the red-haired boy looked ill, almost. Something definitely wasn't right.

The captain turned to his third-year friend, who was standing just a few inches away. "Nakamura, take over the races, will you?," he said. "Go through the rest of the events, then have everyone hit the showers."

Nakamura nodded. "You got it, Cap."

"Everyone, back to practice," the captain commanded. "Nakamura will be giving me your times, so don't think you can slack off." As the crowd reluctantly departed, Seijuurou turned back to the dazed red-haired boy on the floor. "Are you ok?," he asked again, laying a hand on Rin's shoulder.

"What…did I win?," Rin murmured in a woozy voice. Seijuurou could tell that he was about to pass out again.

"Why don't you lay down for a second?," he said quietly, gently helping Rin back onto the floor. "Nitori, can you go get the first aid kit from the coach's office, please?" The grey-haired boy nodded and immediately went off to retrieve it.

"I won, right?," Rin mumbled from his position on the floor.

"Yeah, you did," Seijuurou replied quietly. He was still trying to figure out what was wrong with the red-haired boy. It wasn't pure exhaustion: surely that figured in, but Rin was exhausted on a regular basis, and it had never caused him to pass out like this. No, there definitely had to be something else at play.

"That's good," Rin said, closing his eyes. "I'm really…tired…kinda dizzy."

 _Dehydration?_ Suddenly, Seijuurou had a flashback to the last time Rin had passed out, and his blood ran cold. Was it happening again? Could he possibly have failed to keep Rin safe, again?

Rin's stomach rumbled audibly, and suddenly, Seijuurou understood. "Matsuoka, have you eaten anything today?," he asked.

"Hm?"

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Mmm…I don't remember…what day z'it, again?"

Seijuurou pinched the bridge of his nose: he almost couldn't believe it. _Of course: he can't just work himself to death, he has to give himself a fucking eating disorder, too. You just keep on finding new ways to destroy yourself, don't you, Matsuoka?_ At that moment, Nitori came back with the first aid kit.

"Nitori, Matsuoka needs some food," the captain said. "Can you get something from the machines? Get a soda, too. A regular one."

"Of course, Captain, right away," Nitori replied, and he was gone again.

"Here, let me clean your head up," Seijuurou said, taking an alcohol wipe from the first aid kit. He held Rin's head in place with one hand while he wiped the bloody cut with the other. It was a superficial wound, nothing serious: it was bleeding considerably, but the cut itself was very shallow. In no time, Seijuurou had bandaged it up. Rin laid there listlessly, not seeing any particular reason to open his eyes. He moaned a little when Seijuurou dabbed his cut with the swab, but other than that, he let the captain do as he pleased. When Nitori came back with a package of pretzels and a can of Coke, Seijuurou quietly motioned for him to leave them be. Obligingly, the grey-haired boy moved away to a bench, still watching his senpai with great concern in his eyes.

"Ok, can you sit up now?," the captain asked, laying a hand on Rin's shoulder. The red-haired boy groaned, but he slowly propped himself up on one elbow. Seijuurou opened the can of soda and held it out to him. "Drink this," he said. Rin didn't quite seem to comprehend what he'd been given, but he took a swig of it anyway.

"Eat these pretzels, too," the captain said, opening the package and holding it out. "I don't want you passing out again." Carefully, Rin alternated between a few sips of soda and a few pretzel sticks, until the all of the pretzel sticks were gone. Seijuurou was relieved to see a little light coming back into the red-haired boy's eyes.

"Feeling better?," he asked. Rin nodded quietly. "You know what? I think we should go get something to eat, some _real_ food. I know this place around the corner that makes great burgers. How about it? I'm buying."

Rin gave him a slightly wary look. "Why?," he asked.

"Because I'm hungry," Seijuurou replied. "You're not going to make me eat alone, are you?"

"…No, I'll go," Rin said reluctantly.

"Good." Seijuurou stood up and offered Rin a hand. "Come on." This time, the red-haired boy took it and let the captain help him to his feet. He still didn't look all the way there. They got halfway to the locker rooms before Rin noticed that the rest of the team was still practicing.

"Hey, why are we leaving now? I mean…we're just going to leave in the middle of practice?"

Seijuurou shrugged. "I'm the captain, I can do whatever the hell I want," he replied nonchalantly. "Come on." They went into the locker rooms and changed out of their suits. Then, Seijuurou led Rin down the street to a little American restaurant he knew. It was mid-afternoon, so the place wasn't crowded. Seijuurou told Rin to save them a booth (thereby forcing the red-haired boy to sit down), and he went up to the counter to order two burgers (one without onions), two orders of fries, and two shakes, one Oreo and one chocolate. Then, he went back over to the booth Rin had found and sat down.

"…Hey, shouldn't I go order something?," the red-haired boy muttered, as though the thought had just occurred to him. He was holding his cheek in his hand, looking half-asleep. It was obvious that he needed more food in him than just a package of pretzels.

"I already got it," the captain said. "Relax." Within minutes, their order was called, and Seijuurou went up to get the tray. He set the burger without onions and the Oreo shake in front of Rin. "Eat," he commanded, picking up his own burger. Rin ate a few French fries first, and these seemed to whet his appetite. He took a few bites of his burger and a long sip of his shake.

"How'd you know I like Oreo?," he wondered, staring at the cup.

The captain shrugged. "I know you like Oreos.  They're the only sweet thing I've ever seen you eat."

Rin gave him a weird look. "Why do you know that?"

"What, like it's a big state secret or something? Am I not _supposed_ to know that you like Oreos?"

"No, but it's kind of weird that you know what I like."

"Fine," the captain said, rolling his eyes. "Next time, I'll make sure to get something you hate, so it won't seem as weird. Honestly." He let Rin consume a bit more food before he broached a more serious subject. "So, Matsuoka…I take it you haven't eaten today?"

Rin's expression immediately darkened, but he kept eating. "I ate," he muttered.

Seijuurou rolled his eyes. "I mean before this very moment." Rin avoided his gaze, remaining silent. "Come on, Rin, tell me the truth. When's the last time you ate anything?"

"This morning," Rin replied in annoyance.

"Bullshit," Seijuurou said. "Come on, Matsuoka, you just passed out from a blood sugar low in front of the entire team. If you don't want to tell me the truth, you can at least come up with a more believable lie."

"I _am_ telling the truth," Rin snapped viciously. "I ate breakfast this morning." He lowered his voice. "...I didn't say I kept it down," he muttered, almost too soft for Seijuurou to hear.

The captain sighed. "Matsuoka, are you telling me you have an eating disorder?"

"It's not a fucking eating disorder," Rin growled, taking an angry bite from his burger. "If I had an eating disorder, I wouldn't be sitting here, stuffing my face with a fucking burger and a fucking shake, now would I?"

"You might, if you were planning to throw it up later."

"Why the fuck would I do that? Why the _fuck_ would I _plan_ to throw it up, if I can barely keep anything down as it is?" Rin was getting angrier now, his eyes burning with indignation. "I don't have to plan _shit_. Yes, ok? I threw up what I ate this morning, and I threw up everything I tried to eat yesterday. But I sure as fuck wouldn't have, if I'd had a choice." He averted his gaze, staring angrily off to the side so that he wouldn't have to look at Seijuurou. "If you think I _plan_ to throw up _anything_ , you're a fucking idiot."

"Calm down," the captain said, unfazed by Rin's anger. "I believe you. I'm not trying to put you on trial or anything, I'm just trying to figure out why you passed out on me at practice." He allowed a small pause. "So, why _were_ you throwing up, then?," he asked quietly. "Obviously you aren't sick, if you're eating all this stuff now."

Rin started playing with one of his French fries, staring at it absentmindedly as he tapped it against the plate.

"Rin?"

"I don't know," the red-haired boy muttered.

Seijuurou sighed again. "Come on, Matsuoka."

"I just got stressed out, ok?," the red-haired boy confessed finally. He bent his French fry, pressing it into the plate until it broke in two. He continued pressing the broken end into the ceramic as he went on. "I got stressed out, and I threw up. It's not a big deal."

"Stressed out about what?" Seijuurou searched his mind, but he couldn't think of anything that the red-haired boy would have to be that stressed out about.

"Practice," Rin said, still staring at his broken fry. "What do you think?"

"Practice?"

" _Today_ ," the red-haired boy muttered in exasperation. "Obviously."

"Wait, why 'obviously?'," Seijuurou asked. "What's so obvious?"

Rin sighed. "You know, there's no point in this," he muttered. "You wouldn't get it anyway."

"Wait, you mean the races today?," Seijuurou said. "You were getting all worked up over that? Matsuoka, they're just for fun, some friendly competition."

"Yeah, right," Rin muttered. "Maybe if you aren't trying to get picked for Second-Chance. And now of course I fucked everything up again." He sighed, looking miserable as he took a sip of his milkshake. "Why don't you just kick me off the team?," he muttered. "I know you want to."

"Actually, I was thinking of putting you in the 100m fly," Seijuurou said. "For Second-Chance." Rin's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Wait…are you kidding?," he asked, searching Seijuurou's face for the punch line.

"Nope."

"Even after all the shit I've…you can't be serious."

"Dead serious." Seijuurou grinned. "It's called Second-Chance for a reason. For you, it's more like fourth-chance or fifth-chance, but…I'm willing to give you one more shot."

Rin's eyes widened even further in incredulity. "… _Why?_ ," he asked.

Seijuurou shrugged. "Because I know that somewhere underneath all this, you're still a good swimmer. You were off your game at Regionals, but if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances, I think you would have placed. I know you can do better than you did, and now that you're not all caught up in your Iwatobi drama, I'd like to see it."

Rin still looked slightly agape.

"If you're looking for something to say, a little 'thank you' wouldn't be out of line," Seijuurou prompted, taking the last of Rin's fries.

"Uh, t-thank you, Captain!," the red-haired boy stammered. His eyes were beginning to water in relief.

"No more of this passing-out crap, though," Seijuurou said, his words muffled by a bite of burger. "If you don't eat, I don't want you swimming. Got it? If you aren't in good enough condition to race, I _will_ pull you out of Second-Chance."

Rin swallowed. "G-got it."


	4. Chapter 4

Seijuurou kept a careful eye on Rin in the weeks leading up to Second-Chance. The passing-out incident had been a major wake-up call for him: he realized now that he needed to take a more active approach, whether Rin wanted him to or not. It was time to start being proactive. Rin still didn't want to open up, but for the moment, Seijuurou decided that that was ok. He didn't need to know the "why" of Rin's emotions, in order to help. The main goal now was to limit the self-destruction, and control Rin's most harmful behaviors: that was the most important thing. They'd work on dealing with the "why" later.

To this end, Seijuurou made sure that the red-haired boy ate, that he wasn't working himself too hard. When he found out about Rin's secret midnight runs, he started confiscating Rin's tennis shoes at the end of every practice. He made sure that all the doors to the pool were locked at night, so that the red-haired boy couldn't stay up practicing until dawn. Rin begrudgingly put up with all of this, because deep down, he knew that he needed the help. He truly did want to be in good shape for Second-Chance, and even though he'd never admit it, he knew that working with Seijuurou was the best way to make sure that happened.

Rin started doing better physically, but the captain could see that the stress was beginning to get to him again. He caught Rin throwing up in the bathroom before practice, more than once. The first time Seijuurou walked in on him, the red-haired boy apologized, looking miserable. The captain was quick to reassure him, tell him that it was all right; he knew now, that Rin only had so much control over what his body did, and yelling at him about it would only stress him out more. Instead, Seijuurou started searching for ways to ease Rin's nerves. Finally, after much experimentation, he found something that worked: white noise. Rin was visibly more relaxed and focused during practice, when he listened to white noise for ten minutes or so beforehand. He would get changed, go into a quiet corner of the locker room, and just sit there in the blank, mind-numbing sounds of static; Seijuurou would go over and tap him on the shoulder when it was time for practice to start. In this way, they managed to keep Rin from stressing himself out to the point of sickness.

Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, Rin continued to have problems with insomnia. He couldn't practice at night anymore, but that didn't mean that he wasn't still up. According to Nitori, the red-haired boy was awake at all hours, pacing, doing push-ups or sit-ups--anything, to keep himself occupied. The insomnia only got worse as Second-Chance approached. A week before the tournament, he completely broke down, after staying up for three nights in a row. Nitori ended up knocking on the captain's door at 3am, because Rin was sobbing miserably in the corner, rocking back and forth and ignoring his roommate completely. When Seijuurou walked in, the red-haired boy was in tears, lamenting to himself: "Why can't I just fucking sleep?" Seijuurou knelt down in the corner and laid a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. Finally, the red-haired boy managed to look at Seijuurou with bloodshot eyes, and the captain tried to talk to him, ask him about what was keeping him up. He wouldn't answer, but he _did_ let Seijuurou make him a strong cup of chamomile tea. Seijuurou sat up with him for a while, and after about an hour, he finally relaxed enough to go to bed. This incident served as the captain's reminder, that sooner or later, the "whys" would need to be dealt with. Anything else could only get them so far.

\-------

The day of Second-Chance, Seijuurou wanted to check in with Rin first thing in the morning. He went down to the hotel room that Rin and Nitori were sharing; the door was unlocked, but the red-haired boy wasn't there. Nitori was still sleeping.

"Hey, Nitori," the captain murmured, shaking the younger boy's shoulder. Nitori's eyes cracked open. "Do you know where Rin went?"

The younger boy sat up and looked around a little more. "He isn't here?" Seijuurou's stomach dropped.

"Maybe he went down to get some breakfast from the buffet," the captain said, trying to remain calm. "I'll go check." He went down to the first floor and searched the dining area, but Rin was nowhere to be found. He passed Ueno on the way out.

"Hey, did you see Matsuoka go by anywhere?," he asked.

"No," Ueno replied. "Haven't seen him this morning." Seijuurou's apprehension grew, but he said nothing more. He went down to the basement to check the hotel's gym, but Rin wasn't there, either. He didn't seem to be anywhere in the hotel. Seijuurou tried Rin's cell phone, but all his calls went straight to voicemail. Concerned, the captain went back up to Nitori's room. The grey-haired boy was just getting dressed. He looked hopeful when he answered the door, but his face quickly fell when he saw that Seijuurou had come back alone.

"You didn't find him?," he asked worriedly.

Seijuurou shook his head. "And I take it he hasn't come back here."

"No," Nitori replied softly.

"Hm." _Goddamn it, Matsuoka, where'd you get off to now?_

"He really wasn't anywhere?," Nitori asked, looking more concerned by the second. "Where else would he have gone?"

Seijuurou thought a moment. "Maybe he just went out for some air," he said quietly. "I'm sure he'll be back before we leave." He laid a comforting hand on Nitori's shoulder. "Let's go down and get some breakfast," he suggested. "We'll see if he comes back." They went down and ate: they saw everyone else on the team pass through, except for Rin. Finally, it was time to go back up and get their things. Seijuurou was hoping to find Rin in the room when they returned, but there was still no sign of him anywhere.

"Where do you think he could be?," Nitori asked nervously as he gathered his swim bag. Seijuurou pondered this for a moment in silence: then, he looked around and noticed that the red-haired boy's swim bag wasn't in the room. Wherever he'd gone, he'd taken his swim gear with him.

"Maybe he went ahead to the swim complex," the captain suggested. "To get in an early warm-up or something. I bet that's where he is." He tried to sound surer than he was, for Nitori's sake; the grey-haired boy was visibly upset by his senpai's disappearance, and Seijuurou didn't blame him one bit. If Rin wasn't at the swim complex…

He gathered the three other boys who were competing in the tournament (Nitori, Ueno, and a grey-eyed second year named Yoshimoto), and they walked over to the swimming arena together. He let the other boys check in before going up to the counter.

"Excuse me," he said to the woman at the desk. "Has Matsuoka Rin from Samezuka Academy checked in yet?"

The woman picked up her clipboard and flipped through the list. "Hm…doesn't look like it," she said, pointing to something on one of the sheets. "There's no mark next to his name."

Seijuurou frowned. "Ok, thank you," he said. He joined the rest of the Samezuka boys, who were waiting for him in a corner of the room, and went with them to the locker rooms.

"He's not here?," Nitori asked quietly.

Seijuurou shook his head. He was a little annoyed, but more than that, he was worried. Where the hell could Rin be? "I'm sure he'll show up," he reassured Nitori. _If he knows what's good for him_ , he added silently in his head.

He watched the other boys warm up, giving a few last-minute pointers to Yoshimoto on his stroke. Nitori went in for the first heat of his 400m free event, and won; still, there was no sign of Rin. Finally, just as the captain was about to go out and watch Ueno's race, the red-haired boy showed up.

"Hey, there you are," Seijuurou said. "Where the hell were you? We were just about to send out the search parties."

"Like I would ever miss this race," Rin said dismissively, throwing his swim bag down in front of the nearest open locker.

Seijuurou eyed him suspiciously as he began changing into his gear. "You good?," the captain asked carefully. "Did you sleep last night?"

"Yeah, I slept," Rin muttered, stuffing his bag into the locker. "I just woke up early. And before you ask, I ate, too. I didn't throw up, I didn't go running or work out before this. I'm fine. I'm good to go."

Something in Rin's demeanor still seemed off, but Seijuurou decided to let it go for the moment. Rin had hit all the important points on his mental checklist. "You're up in half an hour," he said. "You better get in the pool." Rin nodded and quickly slammed his locker shut; Seijuurou followed him out to the warm-up pool.

The captain watched Rin's opening laps. The red-haired boy seemed all right, taking it easy at first, then carefully building speed. But something was still missing, or just not quite there: Seijuurou couldn't put his finger on what, but his gut told him that something was off. Rin was doing ok physically, but he wasn't doing _great_. Something was on the red-haired boy's mind, and it was weighing him down, slowing him up.

Soon, it was time for the race. There weren't many swimmers in Rin's event, so there was only one heat: if Rin could place first or second in this race, he'd be on his way to Second-Chance Nationals. Nitori and the captain watched from the bleachers, along with Ueno and Yoshimoto. Nakamura had also come to watch, although he wasn't racing himself (he'd already placed into Nationals for the 100m breaststroke).

"Looks like Matsuoka made it ok," the green-eyed third year remarked.

Seijuurou nodded. "We'll see how he does." As Rin took his mark, the captain noticed something: the red-haired boy's hands were shaking on the block. He couldn't see Rin's eyes beneath the goggles, but he was sure that they held a look of anxiety. "Come on, Matsuoka," he murmured to himself. "Keep it together."

"Matsuoka-senpai!!" Nitori's cheer echoed loudly through the air as the starting whistle sounded. Rin dove in, his stroke razor-sharp. Seijuurou and the rest of the Samezuka boys started shouting out encouragements as Rin cut through the water. He was leading on the way to the wall, but when he went to turn, he tried to push off too early, making a stupid rookie mistake in his haste. This set him back all the way to third. He tried desperately to make up for it, but he'd lost a lot of ground. Seijuurou watched nervously as Rin moved into the final stretch. If the red-haired boy didn't make it back into second…

It was a photo-finish for second place: Seijuurou had to look up at the scoreboard to see who'd won. When he saw the golden "2" flashing next to Rin's last name, he shot up out of his seat, letting out a loud cheer. "YEAAAAHH, MATSUOKA!" The other boys were cheering, too. They quickly filed out of the bleachers and went down to congratulate their red-haired teammate.

"Hey, good job, Matsuoka!," Nakamura said, slapping Rin on the back. "Looks like you might make it to Nationals after all." As soon as he moved aside, Nitori was there.

"Matsuoka-senpai, you did so well!" The younger boy smiled as he hugged Rin warmly. "I knew you'd make it, I just knew it."

Rin, however, looked far less thrilled with his performance. "Why are you all congratulating me like I won?," he muttered, looking down at the pool deck. "That run was shit."

"Ah, you never change, Matsuoka." Nakamura chuckled, patting the red-haired boy's shoulder again. But Seijuurou was more than a little concerned by Rin's lack of enthusiasm. He wouldn't have expected the red-haired boy to be thrilled, exactly, but he would have expected… _some_ thing. From the look in Rin's eyes, you'd think he'd come in dead last.

Rin was very quiet, on the bus ride back home. He seemed lost, preoccupied. He was the sole black hole in the team's cheery mood: all four of Samezuka's Second Chance swimmers had made it through to the national round. Nakamura suggested a pizza party, on him: Seijuurou agreed, hoping that a little celebration might help Rin get into a better mood. They stopped off at a pizza place near Samezuka, and they ordered a couple of large pizzas. Ueno and Nitori chatted happily while they waited for the food, recounting the thrills of their respective races. Ueno was a great storyteller, and kept everyone entertained until the food came. When the pizza arrived, everyone dug in eagerly, ravenous from their efforts at the tournament. Nakamura, who hadn't even set foot in the pool, took four slices at once, but even little Nitori took two pieces right off the bat. Within seconds, everyone's mouths were full of food…except for Rin's. The red-haired boy didn't even bother to take a slice: he just sat there, staring aimlessly at the table.

"Matsuoka-kun, wouldn't you like any?," Yoshimoto offered quietly. Rin gave him a bit of a glare, but he didn't seem to notice. "Here, have a slice," he murmured, carefully taking one from the nearest pizza.

"I fucking hate olives," the red-haired boy grumbled, just as Yoshimoto was setting the piece down on his plate. The slice that Yoshimoto had grabbed was from the combination pizza, and it was brimming with green peppers, sausage, and…lots of olives.

"Oh," Yoshimoto said, moving it toward his own plate instead. "Um…I'm s-sorry, I thought you liked olives. D'you want a piece of the p-…pepperoni, then?" His stutter was slowly becoming more noticeable; he'd stammered horribly as a child, but now, it only came out when he got nervous.

"No," Rin muttered, sounding unreasonably annoyed. "I don't want anything."

"Do you want ssomething else, then?," Yoshimoto asked kindly. "We can always order another little p-pizza, if you-"

"I _said_ I don't fucking want anything," Rin snarled. "Jesus fucking Christ, Yoshimoto, just eat your damn pizza and leave me the fuck alone." He stood up suddenly and stalked out of the booth, out of the restaurant.

The mood at the table was suddenly dampened. Yoshimoto looked like he wanted to curl up and die: he was something of an artistic type, and almost painfully shy. He rarely said anything at all, and now, the one time he'd opened his mouth, he'd gone and done _this_. Beneath his dark black bangs, his slate-colored eyes held a look of anxiety and regret. Nitori and Ueno had been chatting amiably, but they were startled into silence by Rin's outburst. Nakamura and Seijuurou looked at each other, and Seijuurou quietly got up from his place.

"You guys enjoy your pizza," he said quietly. "I'll go deal with whatever that was. And, Yoshimoto…" The black-haired boy looked up at him. "…Don't feel bad," the captain said. "That had nothing to do with you." With that, he left the restaurant to go after Rin. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ueno moving over to comfort Yoshimoto with a kind gesture.

When he got outside, he looked up and down the street, but Rin had already gone around some corner and disappeared. Sighing, Seijuurou turned toward Samezuka; he assumed that Rin would probably be fleeing to his room, trying to keep his not-so-secret angst hidden from everyone else. As he turned the corner that led back to the dorms, he spotted Rin, about two blocks down. He quickened his pace, but he didn't catch up to the red-haired boy until they reached the dorm. He grabbed Rin's arm just as the red-haired boy was turning up the sidewalk to the entrance.

"Matsuoka, hold on for a second," he said. "I want to talk to you."

"Why the hell'd you follow me?," Rin snapped, shrugging Seijuurou off. "When I walk away, it means I want to be fucking left alone. I thought you'd get that by now."

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to leave you alone this time," Seijuurou replied. "You practically tore Yoshimoto's head off back there, the poor guy didn't deserve that. What's your deal tonight? I'd think you'd feel like celebrating a little. I mean, you _did_ make it to Second-Chance Nationals."

"You don't fucking get it," Rin snarled. "None of you fucking get it, ok? What the _fuck_ are we celebrating for? There's nothing to fucking celebrate. I _barely_ made it into second, with an absolutely _shitty_ run. How do you think that's going to go over at Nationals? I'll never make it past the first fucking round. I might as well not go at all."

Seijuurou's eyes softened. "Rin, what are you saying?," he said quietly.

"I'm saying that I'm a fucking _fraud!_ ," the red-haired boy shouted, his rage finally boiling over. "You all keep telling me I'm this great fucking swimmer, but _where is the fucking proof??_ When's the last time you've actually seen me _win_ anything, huh? That pissy little Prefecturals tournament? I'm _shit_ , and I'll always _be_ shit. I don't know why the fucking hell you guys keep telling me that I'm not!" By now, Rin was hysterical, shouting at Seijuurou with miserable tears in his eyes. " _I am. a fucking. worthless. piece. of SHIT!_ ," he screamed. " _And there is nothing. to fucking CELEBRATE, about that!_ " Suddenly, he turned away from Seijuurou to hide his face. "I just wanted to do one _fucking_ thing right," he raged bitterly. "I just wanted to win this one _fucking_ race, but I couldn't even manage _that_. So why don't you just leave me the _fuck_ alone, so I can go back to my dorm and kill myself."

These words made Seijuurou start. A small fear began to brew in the pit of his stomach: he wasn't sure that Rin was being sincere, but…he'd seen the red-haired boy hurt himself once before. It wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility. "Rin, if that's really what you're going to do, I can't just let you leave," he said, stepping forward to lay a hand on Rin's trembling arm. "I need you to talk to me. Please."

" _Why?_ ," Rin choked out. By now, he sounded like he was in pain, but he still refused to let his tears fall. "So you can stand there and tell me that I'm being stupid, that it's all in my head and I should just get the fuck over it? No thanks." He pulled away and started to storm toward the door.

"Rin." The red-haired boy paused and turned, and Seijuurou saw that his eyes were an absolute wreck of emotion.

"That's not what I want to do," the captain murmured gently. "I want to hear what you have to say. Ok? I want to listen to you, and I think that deep down, you want that, too. You need somebody to listen to you, and I'm telling you right now, I'm here. I'm right here for you to talk to, if you'll just let me be." With that, Rin's tears overflowed, and as the captain moved forward to comfort him, he slowly collapsed into Seijuurou's arms. The captain cradled Rin's head, and let his cheek rest quietly on Rin's hair.

"Why?," Rin moaned, quiet and forlorn. All the rage had gone out of him for the moment, leaving nothing but a sorry, broken mess behind.

"You're one of the best on our team," the captain murmured. "And…I can't just sit here and watch you torture yourself. You're like family to me, Matsuoka. I'm here for you, whether you want me to be or not."

Rin latched onto him quietly and continued to cry. "I'm not the best," he murmured mournfully. "I'm not even close." It sent a pang through Seijuurou's heart, to hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Yeah, you are," he said honestly. "When you're sleeping right and not working yourself to death, you always have the best times in fly. Why would you say you're not good?"

"Did you even _see_ that fucking race?," Rin growled tearfully. He clenched Seijuurou's shirt in his fist. "I fucked it up, on the turn…I should have gotten closer so that I could push off harder, but I turned too early, like a fucking amateur _idiot_ …"

"Rin, calm down," Seijuurou soothed him quietly. "You still came in second, you did fine. You're still going to Second-Chance Nationals."

"It's _not_ fucking fine," Rin raged through his tears. "I've been practicing my fucking _ass_ off, and I still can't do anything right. Second isn't first, it isn't… _good_ enough…"

"Not even the best swimmers win every race," the captain said. "No one can place first every time."

Rin straightened up violently, and finally, Seijuurou was able to see the true pain behind his eyes. Behind the rage, there was so much _hurt_ …more hurt than Seijuurou could have ever imagined. That was when he realized, that there was something much, much bigger going on. This wasn't just one race, or even just one season: this was an entire _lifetime_ of pain, coming up all at once. Rin obviously had some kind of major baggage, something far beyond your everyday perfectionist streak. The captain could see now that all of Rin's problems, even the problems he'd had with Iwatobi…they were all connected, somehow. They were all individual symptoms, stemming from the presence of a singular, nameless beast. Now, it was time for Seijuurou to begin asking the question that he hadn't really asked before: what was this thing, exactly, and why did it have such a hold over Rin's life? He'd always said that the past wasn't what mattered, but maybe in Rin's case, the past was the _only_ thing that mattered. He needed to get Rin to open up and talk about it: otherwise, the nameless beast would eat him alive, from the inside out.

"You don't understand," the red-haired boy said as more tears poured down his cheeks. He was about to turn and run, but Seijuurou quickly reached out to stop him.

"Talk to me, then," he said, his voice quiet but firm. "Come here." Rin gave him a teary glare, but he couldn't seem to make himself turn and walk away. He just stood there, looking at Seijuurou with those devastated eyes. "You can talk to me," the captain murmured. "Come on. Let's get some coffee, and we'll talk about it."

"I'm not talking about this in public," Rin said hoarsely.

"Then let me make you some tea in my room," the captain said. "We'll just sit down, and we'll talk. Ok?"

Rin hesitated, looking at the ground. "…Fine," he whispered as more tears dripped down his face.

"Come on," Seijuurou said gently, taking Rin by the arm. "Let's go." The red-haired boy followed him up to the dorms, up to his room. He sat on the bed while Seijuurou poured water into an electric tea kettle and turned it on. He stared sadly at the carpet, ignoring everything else as more tears leaked onto his cheeks.

"Come on, Rin," Seijuurou said kindly, draping a gentle arm around Rin's shoulders as he spoke. "Second place isn't something to beat yourself up over." He reached over to his desk and pulled a tissue box from it, offering the box to Rin. The younger boy hesitantly took a tissue and began to wipe his eyes.

"Where did you go today, before the race?," Seijuurou asked quietly. "We were looking for you. Nitori was really worried."

"I just…had to go somewhere," Rin replied evasively.

"And that place would be…"

Rin sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Then he mumbled something, but the captain couldn't quite make it out.

"You're gonna have to repeat that," he said, trying to keep his tone light.

"I went to visit my dad's grave, ok?," Rin sighed. A few more tears fell from his eyes. "What's the big deal?"

"It's not a big deal," the captain replied quietly. "I just wanted to know. Why did you feel like you needed to go there, right before a big match?"

"Why does it matter?," Rin muttered. At that moment, the tea kettle buzzed, and Seijuurou got up to pour the tea into two blue mugs. He handed one to Rin before taking the other and sitting down again.

"I'm just trying to understand," Seijuurou said, blowing gently on his tea. He waited a moment, but Rin didn't continue the conversation. "Your dad died when you were pretty young, right?," he asked quietly.

"Where'd you hear that, from Nitori?," Rin muttered.

"Doesn't matter," the captain covered smoothly.

"Yeah," Rin said, looking down at the mug in his hands. "I don't remember much about him. I was just a kid, and he was always gone, anyway." He glanced over at Seijuurou. "He was a fisherman," he said quietly. "He died at sea." He looked back down at his tea again. "He wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, you know," he murmured. "He was really one of the best. He had to give it up, when I was born, but before that…he really had a shot."

Suddenly, Seijuurou understood.

"And you think you're the reason he never made it?"

Rin's head snapped up, tears already glimmering in his eyes. Seijuurou had just voiced his deepest secret, something he'd never told anyone before.

"I _know_ that I'm the reason," he murmured as his eyes flooded over. "I'm the reason he's dead, instead of winning medals for the Japanese Olympic team." Suddenly, his hands began to tremble, and Seijuurou reached out just in time to take his mug before it fell. The captain set it aside on the desk as Rin started to cry in full again. The red-haired boy covered his face with his hand, to keep the worst of his misery hidden from view.

"I'm _shit_ , compared to him," he said, his ragged voice full of bitter conviction. "I shouldn't…I sh-shouldn't even be here. I shouldn't have been born. I'm such a fucking waste." His shoulders were shaking now with the effort of keeping his sobs in check. "I'm just…fucking useless," he muttered, leaning forward in misery. With this, he dissolved into quiet, choked tears.

Seijuurou laid a hand on his back. "You are not useless, and you're not a waste," he said quietly. "Ok?" He let his hand slide up to clasp Rin's shoulder in a gesture of comfort and support. Rin was still crying miserably.

"I can never be him," he said in a raspy voice. "I can't go in his place. I'm just never going to be good enough. No matter how much I work…I'm just not good enough." He was starting to get angry at himself again. "I don't know why I even try," he sniffed. "I should just give it up and fucking…blow my brains out or something."

These last words scared Seijuurou. He wasn't one to scare easily, but when Rin said things like this…it sent a small chill down his spine. The red-haired boy was in real trouble.

"Of course you wouldn't be the same as your dad," he said quietly. "You _aren't_ your dad. You're you. But _you_ are great, all on your own."

"Yeah, right," Rin spat.

"I'm dead serious," Seijuurou murmured. "You're your own person. I don't know anything about your dad: yeah, it sucks that he never made it to the Olympics, but that's not really your problem. He _chose_ to become a fisherman. It's not something you forced him to do."

"I did," Rin argued. "When I was born-"

"He could have kept swimming, if he'd _really_ wanted to," Seijuurou said firmly. "But he didn't, because he decided that in some way or another, _you_ were more important than some stupid gold medal."

Rin looked up when he heard the conviction in the captain's words.

"Everyone makes their own choices, Rin," Seijuurou said quietly. "Unless they're being held at gunpoint or something…people do what they want to do."

"Or what they think they have to do," Rin muttered, turning away.

"But it's still a choice." Seijuurou was adamant on this point, and his passionate sincerity made Rin turn back and look at him again. "Thinking you have to do something is not the same as being forced to do it. You _think_ you have to become the best swimmer in the universe just to prove you're worth something, but really think about that for a minute: is there someone _forcing you_ to work yourself to death? Is there someone standing over you, ready to beat you over the head if you don't win number one? No! It is something that you can choose not to do. You have that power. Raising a child is something that you _choose_ to do. There are plenty of fathers on this Earth that would have abandoned you and left your mother so that they could go chase an Olympic medal, or build a strip club in Brazil, or do whatever the hell it is they wanted to do." He realized then that he was probably saying too much, but it was out now. "But your father _did not do that_ , because in some way, he gave a shit. He had a choice, and he chose you. He gave more of a shit about you than he did about winning races, and I think that he would want you to do the same. He would want you to value yourself, and know that you're worth more than a fucking gold medal could ever be."

Rin was stunned into silence. Even after Seijuurou stopped talking…all he could do was stare. A heavy silence fell. Finally, Rin averted his gaze, and Seijuurou did, too, taking another sip of his tea.

After a long moment, Rin spoke. "'A strip club in Brazil?'," he murmured quietly.

Seijuurou felt a little embarrassed. "Uh…just as an example," he said.

"Mm."

"Are you hearing what I'm saying, though, Rin?," the captain murmured. "It's ok to choose to care more about yourself than about your dad's old dream. Your dad cared more about your well-being than he did about his Olympic dream. I care more about your well-being than I do about your swimming performance. I'd rather see you placing last and being happy, than placing first and being as miserable and overworked as you are. Do you get that, Rin? Do you understand?"

"…I hear you," Rin admitted quietly. He didn't seem entirely convinced, but he seemed to be considering it, at least. That was really all Seijuurou could ask for, at this point.

"Here, you can have your tea back," the captain said, handing him the mug.

"Thanks." Rin cradled it in both hands, taking a quiet sip.

When no one said anything for a minute or two, Seijuurou made a suggestion. "You want to watch a movie or something?"

Rin looked at him for a moment. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Sure."

Seijuurou picked a movie at random, something with a lot of action in it. He put it into his DVD player and moved his TV so that they could sit on the bed and watch it. Rin sat back against the wall, and Seijuurou scooted up beside him. They sipped their tea, looking at the screen so that they wouldn't have to look at each other. When Seijuurou finished his tea, he set his mug aside. Not long after, he felt Rin do the same. They sat side by side for a while, the words from the previous conversation still echoing though their minds.

Then, Seijuurou felt a tentative hand, reaching out to hold his own.

He let Rin take his hand without comment. The younger boy carefully entwined their fingers, and Seijuurou could feel how nervous he was, how uncertain. He smiled a little, as he returned the gesture with a gentle squeeze. When he turned to look, he saw that Rin was turning a bright shade of crimson, and he chuckled quietly to himself. Holding hands wasn't a weird thing, to him: as a kid, he'd held his younger brothers' hands all the time, whenever they were sad or frightened. Even now, when he went home, it wasn't uncommon for them to hug each other, or just lay all over each other on the couch. Physical contact didn't bother him at all. Obviously, Rin wasn't nearly as used to it as he was, and judging by the color of Rin's cheeks, holding hands meant something very different to him.

"Don't look so embarrassed," he murmured with a chuckle in his tone. "I don't mind holding your hand."

Rin turned his head a little to look at Seijuurou with cautious eyes. The captain could read his thoughts, and he laughed. "It's just a hand, Matsuoka," he said playfully. "I'll hold your hand all you want, it's not like you're shoving it down my pants. I don't swing that way, but I don't care if you do."

"You're so weird," the younger boy muttered. He was turning red again.

"You like it," Seijuurou kidded, still laughing to himself. Rin couldn’t deny that, so he stayed silent and turned a little more scarlet. His face was beginning to match his hair.

"I've never met a straight guy who holds hands with other guys," he muttered finally.

"Well, you have now," Seijuurou replied. "Just because _you're_ physically and emotionally repressed doesn't mean we _all_ are." A playful smile was still pulling at his lips, and Rin finally noticed it.

"It's not funny," the red-haired boy said with a scowl. He turned away and glared at the ground. "Don't be a jerk." He seemed ready to pull his hand away, but Seijuurou held on tight.

"You're so _easy_ , Matsuoka," he chuckled. "Lighten up. Don't over-think everything so much." He fell silent after that, returning his attention to the movie. Gradually, Rin's hand relaxed and grew comfortable in his again. A peaceful silence fell over everything.

"Is that what your dad did?," Rin asked quietly, still pondering the captain's choice of words. "Run off and build a strip club in Brazil?"

"Basically," Seijuurou said with a shrug. "He took off right after I was born: last I heard, that's what he was doing. I'm over it, though. I have a great step-dad."

"You don't…you're not pissed off, though?," Rin asked. "At your real dad?"

"Nah," Seijuurou said. "I don't even think of that guy as my real dad. My step-dad's my real dad. He's a great guy. He raised me since I was three, like I was one of his own. His kids are my little brothers, and I love them to death." He smiled fondly, as he thought of them. "When I lived at home, I was always helping them with their homework, or beating up bullies for them. I'd do anything for them."

"Sounds nice." Something in Rin's tone made the captain turn to look at him. Tears were quietly leaking from Rin's eyes again, like he was missing something. Or mourning something. He leaned gently into Seijuurou's shoulder. "Sometimes, I wish I had a brother," he confessed in a murmur. The captain understood exactly what he meant: he wanted someone older, so that he wouldn't have to carry all of his burdens by himself. He felt all the pressure of his father's legacy weighing on him, and there was no one else around to share that weight. He'd had no father figure growing up, no one to whom he could go for help: he was it, the man of his family by default. He'd had to figure things out on his own, and find a way to be his own support system, his own father, his own older brother. He tried his hardest to stand on his own, but he just wasn't the type of guy who could go it alone. He felt things too deeply: heartbreak, loneliness, loss…everything. What he desperately needed was someone at his side, another male with whom he could share these emotions. Someone who could reassure him in his weakest moments, and tell him that he was doing just fine. Someone who could tell him that all these emotions didn't make him any less of a man. He'd been searching for this kind of support his entire life, but he'd never found it, because he was too afraid of looking weak. Perhaps that was part of the reason he was coming so unhinged: he'd been supporting himself for so long that finally, his beams were beginning to crack under the weight.

"You know…I've always thought of the swim team as my second family," Seijuurou said with a soft, sincere smile. "You're a part of that. You can think of me as a brother, if you want."

Rin chuckled a little, then sniffed. "You'd want a brother as fucked up as I am?," he said, trying to play off his emotions. He was crying a little again, though.

Seijuurou shook his head and smiled. "Doesn't matter if I want you: family's family," he teased. Rin laughed again, and more tears spilled onto his cheeks as he leaned softly into Seijuurou's shoulder. He would never say so, but he obviously loved the captain for saying it. Warmth and contentment radiated from him, soaking gently into Seijuurou's skin. The captain leaned against him gently.

"I really care about you, Rin, in a very platonic, brotherly way," he murmured with a playful smile. "You can always come to me, for anything. Got it?"

"Got it," Rin said, his voice breaking quietly. He leaned in a little closer, pressing his cheek into Seijuurou's shoulder. The captain let Rin cuddle into him, and they leaned comfortably against one another in peaceful silence. After a while, Seijuurou heard a gentle snoring, and he looked to his side: Rin had fallen asleep, head still resting on his shoulder. The captain smiled a little and let the red-haired boy sleep while he watched the rest of the movie. When the credits began to roll, he finally shook Rin awake.

"Oh…sorry," the red-haired boy said groggily. "I must've fallen asleep."

"It's no problem," Seijuurou said, draping his arm around Rin's shoulders. "You should get to bed, though. Gotta be fresh for practice tomorrow."

Rin nodded, and both boys got up from the bed. Seijuurou saw Rin to the door. Just before he left, the red-haired boy turned and stood in the doorway for a moment. He looked awkwardly at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Um…thanks," he murmured, his eyes flicking up to meet Seijuurou's for one brief moment.

"No problem," the captain replied. "If you ever need anything else...just let me know. I'll see you at practice." Rin nodded, and finally turned toward his own room.


	5. Chapter 5

From then on, the two of them were much closer. Rin would discreetly pull the captain aside at practice and ask if they could talk later; of course, the captain always said yes. They spent many evenings together in the privacy and comfort of Seijuurou's room, talking about whatever was weighing on Rin's mind. The captain found out more about Rin's time in Australia, and how it had given him an inferiority complex the size of a twenty-story building. He learned more about Rin's twisted feelings toward Haru, how they see-sawed painfully back and forth between bitter jealousy, pure admiration, and sharp, unrequited love. And he learned more about Rin's nightmares, how the legacy that Rin's father left still haunted him at night. The captain started to understand why Rin always came across as such a mess: _he_ would be a mess, too, if he had all that going on inside his head all the time. He tried to give Rin advice, when the situation called for it, but most of the time, the red-haired boy just needed someone to listen, so that he could get all of these tangled thoughts out of his head. When Rin got depressed, Seijuurou was there to offer him a warm cup of tea and a friendly ear. On the rare occasion that Rin was happy about something, Seijuurou congratulated him calmly with a smile and a pat on the back. He tried to help Rin find ways to channel his chaotic emotions into something more positive, more focused.

He also tried to build up Rin's self-esteem. That was another thing that Seijuurou had learned about Rin: as arrogant as he sometimes came off, his sense of self-worth was at absolute zero. Of course, Seijuurou didn't start lying just to stroke Rin's ego: no, if Rin's performance sucked, then he would absolutely say so. But he always made it a point to tell Rin when he was doing a good job, too. He would point out all the things that the red-haired boy had done right, as well as all the things that needed improvement.

He could see how these talks were helping Rin stay stable. Since they'd started these pseudo-therapy sessions, Rin had grown so much more relaxed, and according to Nitori, he'd been sleeping better, too. There were no more vicious outbursts, no more nighttime crying jags, no more compulsive workouts. He was still a fairly emotional guy, and his moods could be a bit mercurial at times, but he had a focus now that hadn't been there before. He had more control: he could clear those emotions out of the way when he needed to, so that he didn't dwell on them more than he should. Instead of listening to all the demons in his head, he focused more on swimming, on the water, on the constructive side of competition. And it showed, in the way he swam. In the right frame of mind, Rin truly was unbeatable.

However, maintaining that frame of mind was something that Rin still struggled with, particularly during times of stress. A few nights before the Second-Chance National tournament, Seijuurou heard a knock on his door around midnight.

"…Captain?" Rin was at his door, looking forlorn. "I-…I need to talk to you…"

"Of course," Seijuurou said quietly. He laid a hand on Rin's back and gently guided him inside. The red-haired boy went over to the bed and carefully collapsed onto it, face down. Seijuurou followed him and sat down beside him on the mattress.

"What?," the captain asked quietly. He laid his hand on Rin's shoulder blade.

The red-haired boy turned his head to the side and glanced up at Seijuurou. Suddenly, his eyes were full of tears, like he'd barely been able to hold them back long enough to walk to Seijuurou's room. He seemed about to say something, but he shut his eyes and turned his face into the sheets again. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

"No no no," Seijuurou preempted gently. "Rin, come on. Use words."

The red-haired boy tried to take a breath, but he seemed to be having the hardest time getting any air. He kept stuttering, gasping, halting in the middle of every exhalation to swallow a thick sob.

"Breathe," Seijuurou said softly as he rubbed Rin's back. "Shhh…" After a moment, he laid his hand on the back of Rin's head, stroking the younger boy's hair gently with his thumb. "Rin, everything's ok," he said quietly. "Just pause for a second, and take a breath, all right?"

Another tear slid down Rin's cheek, but he finally got a good, deep breath into his lungs. "Sorry," he choked out miserably. "I wasn't planning to just…c-come in here like this…"

"No, no," Seijuurou said lightly. "No apologies. Just relax. Just…if you need to just lie there for a little bit, so you can breathe, it's ok." Rin closed his eyes again and took another shaky breath. Seijuurou let him calm down for a few minutes, rubbing his back with a gentle but firm hand.

"I don't even know why I'm so…like this today," Rin muttered when his breathing was even again. "It's just...stupid…"

"How've you been sleeping lately?," the captain asked.

"I haven't been," Rin admitted quietly. He looked ashamed. "The last time I slept was…probably two nights ago."

"What's going on, Matsuoka?," Seijuurou asked. "I thought you were sleeping better." He laid his hand on Rin's shoulder blade again. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Rin said forlornly. "It _was_ better for a little bit, but…" He trailed off.

"You worried about Nationals?," the captain murmured. Rin didn't answer. "You been practicing at night?"

"…Just a little," Rin admitted. "I know I shouldn't, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm just lying there awake, for endless fucking hours." He sighed. "I don't know what to do with myself," he muttered. "I want to sleep, but I can't do that, and I don't want to just lay in bed for hours on end, because…you know." He glanced briefly at Seijuurou to confirm that he did, in fact, know: Seijuurou gave a tiny nod to acknowledge that he did. Rin's thoughts went to the worst possible places, when he was left alone in the dark with them for too long. "I just want to sleep," the younger boy moaned miserably. "Is that really too much to ask?" Seijuurou could hear the tears forming in Rin's voice, so he rubbed Rin's shoulder again.

"Ok, it's ok," he said calmly. "Don't worry. You know what? We're going to get you to sleep tonight. Let's go back to your room and figure something out."

Rin shook his head, his face rubbing against the sheets. "Nitori's there," he said in a low voice. "I can't…" He trailed off again.

"What can't you?," Seijuurou asked. "He's a quiet little guy, he's not going to keep you up."

"It's embarrassing, ok?," Rin muttered. "I don't…want him to know, that I can't get to sleep on my own."

Seijuurou chuckled. "You honestly think he doesn't already know?," he said.

Rin looked up. "…I was kind of _hoping_ he didn't….I mean, obviously he knows some things, he's not stupid, but…I don't want him to know _everything_. I don't want him seeing how hard it is for me to get to sleep."

Seijuurou shook his head and smiled. "Rin…you are not nearly as hard to read as you think you are," he said. "He _lives_ with you, he knows everything. Probably more than I do, about your sleeping habits. If you think he doesn't notice you staying up all night, you're seriously deluded." Rin looked down, seemingly annoyed. "It's not a bad thing," the captain said, seeing the look on Rin's face. "He's on your side, he wants to help you."

"I don't need his help," Rin grumbled.

"Well, you can't sleep in here," Seijuurou said. "So we can either go back to your room and figure this out, or you can stay here and watch me sleep. Your choice."

Rin groaned. "Fine," he muttered. "Whatever, let's just go, then." He reluctantly sat up and climbed off the bed.

"That's what I thought," Seijuurou said. He draped his arm over Rin's shoulders and began moving him toward the door.

When they entered Rin's room, Nitori was still up. He was sitting at his desk, reading a book and listening to music peacefully. He glanced up when the door opened, and the sight of the captain seemed to startle him a little.

"Oh, Captain!," he said. "Hi! Um, what are you…" He trailed off, seeing the _don't make a big deal out of it_ look that Seijuurou was giving him. "Uh, it's always nice to see you…so late at night…" he redirected awkwardly.

"Oh my god, Nitori, just shut up," Rin muttered.

"Hey." Seijuurou tapped him on the back of the head in light chastisement. "Being tired doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. Don't treat him like that." Rin gave the captain a glare.

"Oh, it's ok," Nitori said timidly. "I understand."

"I'm just helping Matsuoka get some sleep," the captain said.

"Oh! I'll turn the lights off, then," Nitori replied with a gentle smile. "I should go to bed anyway." He turned off his desk lamp and got up to go brush his teeth while Rin and Seijuurou settled onto Rin's bunk.

"I want you to try something new," Seijuurou said. "Lie down." Rin did, curling onto his side and facing the wall. "Now, just close your eyes, and focus on the way your body feels."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Seijuurou sighed. "Instead of thinking about whatever's keeping you up, just focus on how you physically feel, right now," he said. "Focus on your muscles, where they are…just be in the moment."

"You sound ridiculous."

"Would you just do it?," Seijuurou groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I swear, it works. I saw it on the internet. Just try." Rin sighed, but he didn't comment any further. The captain watched him for a few moments, until he was satisfied that the younger boy was doing what he was supposed to be doing. "Ok, now starting with your toes, just tense your muscles up for like ten seconds, and then let them totally relax. Think about your toes tensing and relaxing, then your feet, then your ankles…you get it. Don't think about anything else."

Rin sighed again, but Seijuurou could feel him trying it out. It was visibly helping: after a minute, Rin's face relaxed, and he seemed far more at peace.

"Good?," Seijuurou murmured softly. "Feeling better?"

"Mm." Rin's affirmation came out in a low, quiet sigh. Seijuurou's lips curled into a smile.

"Good," he murmured lightly. "Now, just keep your mind there, in that blank space." He watched Rin quietly for a few minutes: Nitori came back in, and the captain motioned for him to stay quiet. The younger boy gave him a small smile before switching off the main light. The room was completely dark now, but Seijuurou could feel Nitori quietly climbing up to the bed above. The younger boy moved like a ghost: the bed barely even creaked as he settled in. Now, the room was silent. Within minutes, Nitori's soft snuffling drifted down to Seijuurou's ears.

Rin appeared to be halfway to sleep, too, but the captain wanted to stay and make sure that he got all the way there. Finally, after a short while, Rin's breathing grew deeper, and he let out a tiny snore. When Seijuurou heard it, he carefully got up and headed toward the door. "Good night, Matsuoka," he murmured with a little smile.

\---------

Finally, it was time for the Second-Chance National tournament. The winners of Second-Chance Nationals were always decided in a separate tournament, the day before Nationals itself took place; thus, the Second-Chance group was sharing a bus with all of the Samezuka swimmers who'd placed into Nationals proper. This list included Nakamura, Sato, Watanabe, Himura, and a few other boys, as well as Seijuurou himself. Most of them were excited, chatting with their seatmates about who they might be up against at Nationals: Rin sat silently next to Nitori, staring out the window and listening to music for the entire eight-hour bus ride.

They arrived late at night, and they quickly piled out of the bus and into their respective hotel rooms. Some of the boys not swimming at Second-Chance went out to explore the city, but Seijuurou forced the Second-Chance boys to stay in and get some rest. He spent a little while in Rin and Nitori's room, making sure that Rin was going to be ok for the night. They watched TV for a bit, and talked about their strategies for the tournament the next day. Surprisingly, Rin seemed to want to retire early, laying down on his bed while Seijuurou and Nitori were still talking. The captain took this as his cue to leave, but he went over and laid a hand on Rin's shoulder before he left.

"You good?," he asked quietly. "Feeling ok about tomorrow?"

Rin nodded silently.

"It's gonna be good," the captain said, patting Rin's shoulder.

"I know," Rin grumbled. "I'm fine. Just let me sleep." Seijuurou shook his head, mildly amused: the red-haired boy would never change.

The next morning, Seijuurou went around to the rooms of the Second-Chance boys, making sure that they were awake and ready to roll. He said a silent prayer when he knocked on Rin and Nitori's door: Nitori answered it, but the captain breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Rin coming out of the bathroom in the background.

"Come on, time for breakfast," he said. "Meet me in the hall in two minutes. Bring your stuff."

He gathered the Second-Chance boys, and all of them went down to breakfast together. Rin remained fairly quiet, but he did respond civilly when Ueno asked him to pass the salt; Seijuurou took this as a good sign. As they prepared to leave the dining room and go out to the bus, Rin approached Yoshimoto, who was leaning down to pick up his bag.

"Hey. Yoshimoto."

The black-haired boy turned timidly to look at Rin. He'd been carefully avoiding the red-haired boy, ever since the incident at the pizza place.

"...I'm sorry I went off on you after our last tournament," Rin apologized. He looked down, obviously feeling awkward. "You were just trying to be nice, and I was an ass. So…I'm sorry. ...Are we good?"

Yoshimoto looked at him for a moment before nodding quietly. Rin gave him a little smile. "You know, I bet you'll get to Nationals, with that breaststroke," the red-haired boy said. "You're pretty fast."

"Y-you think so?," Yoshimoto said.

Rin nodded, and a little smile graced Yoshimoto's face. "T-thank you," he stammered quietly. "I hope you win your race, as well."

"Thanks," Rin murmured. Seijuurou watched their conversation from a few feet away, and he smiled to himself. Maybe Rin _was_ capable of making friends in his own year. He'd seen the red-haired boy talking to Sato the other day, too: it seemed that Rin had decided to make peace with his teammates, all on his own. The captain felt oddly proud of him, for taking such a positive step without any prodding at all.

"Come on, guys," he called. "Let's get going." On the way out to the bus, he fell into step beside Nitori. "Did Rin sleep last night?," he asked quietly.

Nitori nodded. "Really well, actually. He went to bed right after you left, and he was still sleeping when I got up. I think that trick you taught him really worked: he's been sleeping a lot better since that night you came in."

"Good," Seijuurou said.

The boys boarded the bus and made their way to the swim complex. It only took them a few minutes to get there, but it took them another five minutes to find the right entrance for the tournament check-in. The arena was huge, one of the largest swim complexes in Japan; the Samezuka boys marveled at its size as they got off the bus and walked inside. They all checked in together and went into the locker rooms. As they were getting ready to head out to the pool, Seijuurou saw Rin retreat into a corner and slip his headphones on. The captain smiled a little: the red-haired boy had his pre-meet ritual down. Everyone else went out, but Rin stayed behind, allowing his negative thoughts to get lost in the static that hissed through his ears.

Seijuurou watched the other boys warm up for a few minutes, then went back to get Rin. "Come on, Matsuoka," he said, tapping the red-haired boy on the shoulder. "Time to go." Rin stood up and put his headphones away, stowing them in his locker before he headed out to the warm-up pool. He only had a few minutes before his first heat, but that was exactly the way that he and Seijuurou had planned it: extra time was Rin's enemy. If he did more than a few runs before a race, he started to over-think, and he began to doubt himself. He only needed a few laps to get himself ready for competition: any more than that, and he started to psych himself out.

Seijuurou watched Rin's first two heats with bated breath, but he needn't have worried. The red-haired boy blew everyone else out of the water. Finally, it was his last race: if he won again, he would be racing in the national tournament, the _real_ one, the next day. Everyone on the team, including the boys who weren't competing for Second-Chance, came up to the bleachers to watch his final race. Seijuurou stayed down on the pool deck, to make sure that Rin wasn't breaking down under pressure. The red-haired boy was handling it passably well, but with every minute that ticked by, his nerves were showing more and more.

"Everything in the world does not hinge on you winning this stupid race," the captain said, just as Rin was about to go out to the starting block. "Just remember that, ok? Life as you know it will not come to an end, and the world will continue to turn, whether you're first or last."

"I know that," Rin grumbled.

"Then act like it," Seijuurou retorted. "Don't work yourself up so much. You know what you're doing. Just take a deep breath, do your best, and let it go." The whistle sounded, and Seijuurou gave Rin one last pat on the back before moving away. Rin took his position on the starting block, and when the whistle sounded again, he dove. Seijuurou could immediately tell that he was going to win. He'd found the right place, in his mind. It was obvious in the way he swam. He was pushing hard, but he wasn't pushing himself over the limit. He was relaxed, he was confident, and he was flying. When he came into the wall with a number one next to his name, Seijuurou wasn't at all surprised.

Rin got out of the water and was promptly congratulated by everyone on the team, his genuine smile lost in a showering of "Way to go, Matsuoka!"s and slaps on the back. When the rest of the team had cleared out a bit, Seijuurou came over and draped his arm around Rin's shoulders.

"That was a great run," he said sincerely. "Good job."

Rin smiled a little, but he didn't look entirely happy. "I could have pushed myself harder," he said quietly.

"But you didn't _need_ to," the captain said. "You _won_. You're in at Nationals. Do you not realize that? You were perfect."

"But that run probably won't cut it at Nationals," Rin said. "If I want to get past the first round there, I need to…"

Seijuurou rolled his eyes. "Rin, would you shut up and enjoy your win?," he said. "Just let yourself have one, for once."

Rin took a breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Then, he looked up at the scoreboard, which was still flashing his time as the fastest. "That _was_ a pretty good run," he said, a little smile coming over his face.

"That's the spirit," Seijuurou said, slapping him lightly on the back. "Come on, we're going out for pizza tonight: you, me, Nitori, everybody. Not optional. I'm buying."

"Why does it always feel like you're taking me hostage whenever we go somewhere?," Rin muttered.

"You know you like it," the captain said, playfully crushing Rin against his side. "Somewhere deep down in that angsty little brain of yours."

"Ugh." Rin pushed him off, but the captain just laughed. As usual, Rin's real feelings were all too easy to read.


End file.
